my favorite fourteen year old

somewhere something incredible is waiting to be known.
~ carl sagan

So many incredible things are yet to be known, but one thing is known - 14 years ago, one INCREDIBLE thing happened, and that was the birth of you, Finn Oliver Gerber! That little bald baby boy, now you, has brought so much love, joy and life to our family. 

This year has been full of change, discovery and growth. Your dad and me watch in awe as you grow and sometimes with tears as we realize how little time we have left with you before you head out into the world. I try not to think about it too much, but the years go by way too fast. Continuing my tradition, here are 14 things that I want to remember about you at this very time in your life: 

1.  You have grown A LOT this past year.  

I am literally looking into your eyes when we stand face to face.  You are just a 2" shorter than me and we have the same size feet! We still have the surfboard grow chart hanging on your wall that we've had since you were a year old to track you and your brother’s height and when your father marked your height, we saw that you have grown almost 5” – CRAZY!! You are very happy about this as you tell us you are the smallest kid in your grade, and have been for the last 2 years.  I shared that your Uncle Todd was very small until age 15/16. You will grow too Finn. You won’t be tall, but you won’t be 5’ forever either.  i promise.

2.  You eat like a truck driver.

What I mean by this is you eat A LOT these days and you eat fast. I finally understand that reference “my kid is eating me out of house and home”. Our grocery bill is bigger and my trips to the grocery store are more frequent.  We try to eat dinner as a family every chance we get and if you have your way, you’ll clear your plate in 5 minutes and be gone. I remind you to ‘taste your food’ and to enjoy meal time. It’s one of the few times the whole family is together during the day, so please sit with us longer Finn. We absolutely love your company. 

One of my favorite things about this stage of your life is that you eat just about anything now which makes meal time so much more exciting. I can experiment with recipes and you will eat them {even if they aren't great}. You are also up for eating an any restaurant and trying new foods which makes life so much more enjoyable...especially because San Diego has so many restaurants to chose. Our neighborhood alone has probably over 2 dozen. Given a choice between any type of food, you still prefer sushi, but you also love Italian, Chinese and Mexican. 

3.  The ocean is one of your happy places.

You gladly get up at the crack of dawn every Sunday morning to surf with your middle school surf team.  You set out your wetsuit, surfboard, wax, towel and snacks the night before so you can just jump in the car with your dad and head to the beach. On occasion, I tag along and watch you for a bit, say hi to the kids and their parents, and then I go for a run. It's a true surfer who can get up at the crack of dawn and paddle out into the pacific ocean in the winter months.

You don’t care about competing in surf contests, and you don’t go to socialize like a few of the kids on the team. You go because you love the ocean – its beauty, its power, the workout, and the dopamine that is released when you ride a wave. It just feels good!  I’m guessing you enjoy the trip to Taco Surf with dad after every surf practice. It’s a ritual for you two.

 4.  You’ve discovered Carl Sagan. 

One of your 8^th grade projects this year was titled ‘Monumental Figures’. Students were asked to select a person from the United States who doesn’t currently have a monument created for them, and explain why they were deserving of one.  You chose Carl Sagan, a name I recognized from my childhood. He was the host of the original Cosmos TV series, which is now hosted by Neil deGrasse Tyson. You loved this project Finn, and spent hours researching him. When you presented your project to us, and all the 8^th grade parents, your enthusiasm and your research on him spilled over to me. Over the next few weeks, I pulled up a few of the original Cosmos shows and Sagan interviews on youtube and watched because of  you. He is a fasinating man. You continue to learn about Sagan and his theories. You are currently reading his booked titled, A Pale Blue Dot that Grandma Gerber (GG) sent you for Christmas. You told me you are “taking your time with it” because it’s full of so much information. Oh Finn, your dad and I never tire of watching you get excited about something.

5. You have no interest in social media, but you do enjoy video games

Moms of daughters often have struggles around social media, but this is one area parents of boys typically don’t struggle.  There are exceptions to the rule of course, but we don’t anticipate you opening a Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or Snapchat account anytime soon Finn. For now you prefer to text and Skype with your friends.

Like most boys your age, you enjoy gaming and want to play longer than we prefer you to play. You have designated ‘educational’ and ‘recreational’ computer time and you’d love more recreational time.  You tell us we are stricter than most of your friend’s parents, but in the same breath, you have said it’s a good thing. Oh Finn, we are doing our best. We have rules because we care and want you to use time wisely. We don’t mind you playing videos games, we just want you to have balance – face to face time with friends and lots of outdoor play. Since we don’t have any gaming consoles or portable gaming devices, this has helped tremendously. when you play games, they on your computer desktop and it's easy for us to monitor and less tempting for you.. Kerbal Space Program (KSP) is still your favorite game, with Portal 2 as the runner up.  

6.  You are a fan of Stranger Things

The day came your dad and I FINALLY let you watch this series.  Your friends started watching last year, but your dad and I thought it was a bit dark. Childhood is such a short window. We wanted to extend yours a bit longer.  It’s tricky being a parent….some decisiuons we make seem instinctual and we just know and feel good about, and other things we aren’t sure at all about. It's a learning process and a constant reassessing. You never pushed us or got upset when we told you that you would have to wait to see it. That's not your style. You simply said “let me know when that time comes”.    

When you turned 14, it seemed the right time. You just finished Season One and you thoroughly enjoyed it. The boys in the show are your age and there’s just enough sci-fi and creepiness to excite you. About halfway through the season, you said “I know why you and dad like this show so much mom, it’s totally your generation”.  Yes Finn Oliver, it is.  It’s like travelling back in time for us parents who were kids/teenagers in the 80s – the music, the clothes, the walkie talkies, and even the banana seat bikes.  When you commented that is would have been cool to grow up in the 80s because life was simpler, I smiled and told you it was a great time to be a kid. Now you know why your dad and I ask you and Scout to leave your phones and go play outside {unsupervised}. We want you to experience some of the freedom and the kind of playing that we had as kids.

7. Your current favorite movie is Dunkirk.
I took you to see Dunkirk one weekend - it was just the two of us. You were mesmerized by this powerful film, which felt more like an art film to me than a traditional action/war film. The dialogue was sparse, and there was no over the top gore which was refreshing. On our drive home, you talked about how you liked that the Director focused on three different groups of people over three different time frames, the Royal Air Force (RAF) pilots, the crew of a small civilian yacht and a group of young British soldiers trapped on the beach, and how they line up to make a really great climax at the end. As you shared your thoughtful critique, I smiled inside and thought “this is one of the joys of having a teenager”.  They have more experience and now can share great perspective. The conversation we had Finn added so much more to my experience of the film. Thank you for this. 

8. You continue to be an avid reader.  

Non-fiction and science fiction are still your favorite genres. You typically have two books going on at the same time – one at home and one that goes with you to school and in the car. Tonight, when I came into your room to kiss you goodnight, you were engrossed in your new book, A Pale BlueDot, and you have Artemis, the newest book by Andy Weir, the author of The Martian, on  your bookshelf to read next.   

Last month, you finished reading All the Light We Cannot See, by Anthony Doerr.  I don’t recommend many books to you Finn, but I recommended this Pulitzer Prize winner that I read years ago. I was just waiting for you to be old enough to read it and your got there. You remind me so much of the German boy, Werner, in the story. He too loved engineering. We talked about the book over sushi last month, and it was one of our best dinners together. At the end of the night, I asked if you had a book to recommend to me, and you suggested Red Rising by Pierce Brown. I started it last week. It’s a dystopian sci-fi novel that reminds me a little bit of Hunger Games. I’m just a few chapters in, but I’m enjoying it. 

9.   You are ready for high school 

Your mother may not be ready for you to be in high school, but you certainly are. You are ready for greater independence that comes with it, more advanced and in-depth classes, a wider variety of students and abilities, and after-school clubs for things you are passionate about.  You have been dreaming of joining the robotics team for years and your time is almost here. You’ve been watching high school robotics teams compete since you were a Kindergartener, and soon you will be ON one of robotics team. You better believe your family will be there to cheer you on, and maybe even embarrass you a little bit. {you know your dad}

10. Girls 

The opposite sex is not a distraction in your life at this point and for this we are so grateful. Your dad and I aren’t encouraging it as there is plenty of time for that down the road.  Middle and high school are about learning who you are, preparing for higher education/your career, and making lifetime friends. Those typically are friends of the same sex, and this is how it should be. A few of your friends have ‘crushes’, but I think texting each other is the extent of middle school relationships. I realize this will change for a lot of kids in high school, but your dad and I don’t think this will be where you put your time. You’ve got your sights on more important things right now – joining the high school robotics team and then college. You are one determined and focused kid Finn, and this will serve you well. When the time does come for you to date, the girl who does get your focus will be very lucky.

11. You are a huge help around the house. 

Your dad and I appreciate it so much. Over the last two years, and more so this year, you have stepped up in a big way with everything - from cleaning the pool cover, taking groceries from the car and putting them away, unloading the dishwasher, vacuuming, dusting, a little cooking, and even packing your lunch {ok this one I asked you to}, but you are learning to recognize what needs to be done around the house and pitching in. Thank you for this!

12. Your passion is contagious

Listening to you speak about something you are passionate about fascinates me often more than the subject you are speaking of.  I don’t have the passion or the attention span to study the mysteries of space or to understand the engineering of SpaceX’s Falcon rocket.  You however, do Finn. From your early years, how things work and the world and it's mysteries are things that have interested you and excited you. People are drawn to passion, and for parents, there’s little more exciting than seeing your child passionate about learning and discovering. Your passion encourages the rest of us to keep pushing for things that move us.

Last week at your Student Led Conference (SLC), you presented your work to your dad and me and as you spoke, you looked directly into our eyes, exuding total confidence. You owned your SLC Finn - sharing what you have learned in your math and science class, sharing your neatly organized work and discussing your goals for the remaining school year. I sat listening to you and thought WOW – you couldn't have been more prepared and you make public speaking look so easy. You received perfect scores in all your classes – straight 100s, and had a few scores over 100 because you did extra credit. School comes easy for you Finn, and because of this, our biggest fear when it comes to your education, is that you will lose interest.  We want you to stay excited about learning and work with your teachers to help make this happen. Remember, you too play a role.

13.  You have enormous amounts of patience.  

Having a teenager is still pretty new for our family. We are all trying to figure out how things are supposed to work. While you are changing and trying to figure out this teenage thing, remember that we are too. I sometimes forget your age, and talk to you like you are a little kid. I know this is frustrating and that you prefer to be treated like an adult.  Since you aren't one quite yet, I’m trying to find that middle place - allowing you greater freedom, but still guiding you along too. More than anything, I want you to feel respected and loved and to know that we trust you.  Until you break is, we will you give you the benefit of the doubt. Be patient with me if I remind you to grab your permission slip, to do your homework, or practice piano.  I think giving ‘reminders’ is in a mom’s DNA.  Also, thank you for your continued patience with Scout. He loves and looks up to you SO much, so be gracious with him Finn. Always remember how important it is to have a sibling. They know you better than anyone, have your best interest in mind, support your dreams, and they make great travel companions. {just think how boring it would be without him along on our family vacations}. *wink*

14.  You are kind
You greet your mama at the door every night when I come home from work and you give me a hug and kiss. You do this more for me I'm sure than for you, and I am grateful for it. Though you don't feel like your mom's little boy, my arms still want to pick you up. Actually, I try sometimes, and you just laugh because I don't have enough leverage anymore. You are too tall {and I'm too short}. You show kindess to your father when you help him with projects that you really aren't interested in, but you know he is excited about. You are kind to our sweet elderly next door neighbors who wants to chat with you from time to time because...even when I'm sure you would rather be doing something else. Last, I see your kindness when you help Scout put broken Lego sets back together or when he gets stuck on complicated math problems. These are things you do regularly Finn, and it warms my heart because acts of kindness are never wasted.    

Happy 14^th Birthday Finn! You shine bright and are loved more than ALL the stars in the galaxy! 

Always and Forever.

Mom

You are 5’-1’ and weigh 86 lbs. You are a size 12 in shirts and jeans and you wear a size 6 shoe.

holidays with the utah gerbers

i've neglected this blog for so long and i really really want to get back at it

because it is one thing i enjoy and find true value in.  time is just harder to come
by these days, especially with the recent changes in my life and with a tween and a teen.
things were much slower when the boys were younger, but that is as it should be.
those early years are the foundation years...when our kiddos need us the most, when we
create tight bond and yes, when we take family naps. oh how i miss those family naps.

i have a mental list of some milestones and special events i need to capture on this blog,

but it will take time. since i just pulled some photos together of my niece maya and her
friend during their visit over new years weekend, this was a good place to start. 

the cali gerbers hadn't seen the utah gerbers for a while, so we were delighted to they
were able to come down for new years. we had a full house with maya's friend in tow
which made it all the more fun. isaac slept in finn and scout's room, we set up an air
mattress in the library for the girls, and shannon and trevor stayed in the guest room.
we were cozy, but it worked well. over the years, we've hosted and vacationed with
lots of family and friends and when we are with the utah gerbers, it's effortless.

during their visit, lots of activities were squeeze in - tennis, bike rides and a walk along the
bay, a beach day, a hike at torrey pines, a new years eve party and a photo shoot! the boys
and i had been under the weather just before christmas and we were finally feeling well and
welcomed all this play time. we alla needed it! 

one of the highlights for me was watching two very determined teenage girls brave southern
california's surf. the ocean temperatures here might reach 72 during the summer, but in the winter,
water temps are usually in the 50s. this didn't deter the girls - they really wanted to surf.
one suited up in an old wetsuit of c's, and one wore a wetsuit that belonged to my sister, jen
when she lived here. it sure comes in handy when we have female guests. uncle c worked with
the girls on land before he took them out and the girls stayed with it. after a good hour or so, they were able to stand up.

watching them brought back memories of my learning to surf. i was tenacious in my 20s,
that's what my friend marty called me because i'd stay out in the water...even though my hands
were blue and my toes were numb. the sun would already be down, but i wanted to catch one last
wave before heading home. maya and olivia were ljust ike this - there were Determined
and they were Fierce! the adults, other than brave Mr. G, the rest of the adults
stayed on dry land and  enjoyed the sunshine. {uncle t even even got in a little cat nap}. 

a few photos from our weekend together:

happy new year

exp's 5th annual ping pong tournament

happy sunday!


this post will be short and sweet as i have a dozen things that still need done before i start the work week. three loads of laundry sit on the bed of the guestroom, i have thank yous to send, lunches to pack, school work to review and scout wants to begin reading wonder tonight {again}. his reason for rereading it is he "was just 6 when he read it and he wasn't as mature as he is now so he'll get more from it".  it's true. he will get FAR more from it reading it as a 10 year. in fact, he's the same age as the main character in the book, auggie.  oh and how could I forget, our 13 year old is off to 8th grade camp all week. he's heading 3 hours away to the mountains of big bear. he's excited and though we'll miss him, we are excited for him too}.

but i digress, before any more time passes, i wanted to be sure to post about scout playing in my company's ping pong tournament two weeks ago. this was his second year participating and though he was good last year, this year, he was 10x better!  all that playing at our kitchen table which is a good  2 feet shorter and one foot narrower worked to his advantage. between his incredible hand/eye coordination and his competitive nature, the kid took 3rd in this all adult contest which had approximately 60 players. i played as well, but was out after the first round {luckily i didn't have to get publicly beat by my son). mr. g was there too competing and he did well, but played the guys that took 1st and 2nd in the tournament so he was out earlier. 

i was both in awe and so proud of scout.  i've seen him play and beat his friends, his parents, and our adult friends who come to the house, but it's a completely different thing to see him compete against adults i don't know.  i wish i could say i taught him all his skills, but it's christopher who has the skills and is home more to teach and play with scout. they are matched up really well these days. i think c only went easy on him the first year he was learning.

scout has always been a natural athlete and a fierce competitor in whatever he does, and today was just one more reminder of it. scout loved playing my coworker, mike, who played college tennis at villanova. mike {wearing the propeller hat below} wins our company tournament almost every year. on our way home from the tournament, scout asked aloud how much longer i thought it would take for him to be able to beat mike. i responded that mike is a bit over over 30. perhaps when mike is in his 40s when his eyes start losing focus, he'd have a better chance. he said "i'd love to be able to beat him". i didn't tell him that in 10 years, he will just be graduating high school and preparing for college. he won't be worrying about my company's ping pong tournament. to a 10 year old, that's a lifetime away, but to a parent of a 10 year old, it's just around the corner. *sniff*

for what it's worth...

i was up late last night catching up on laundry that i neglected over the weekend.
while the boys watched an episode of the new star trek discovery, i washed and folded
clothes in the guest bedroom. yep, this little 1960s home doesn't have a laundry room.
i make due with the guest room. since i had lots laundry to fold, i passed the time by watching
the curious case of benjamin button, based off the novel of the same title by f. scott fitzgerald.


i watched this film years ago at the theater with christopher, and remember thinking the storyline
was a bit odd, but i really enjoyed it. during the movie, there is a scene where one of benjamin's letters to daisy, the love of his life is being read. the words were powerful and completely mesmerized me. with the right font and paper, this quote would make a beautiful framed gift to a friend, a sibling, a spouse or even a child graduating from college.
i hope you enjoy as much as i do.

finn oliver at 13

one night last week, after the boys were in bed, i sat alone at the kitchen table reviewing some of finn's projects that he brought home from school. i came across a piece of paper that had his name written in the center of it, and from it, lines branched out to circles with a dozen or more words that all described what he loves. i forgot to ask him what this was all about. was it for his teachers, peers, a self reflection exercise?


as i read all the circles, i smiled and thought, most of these words are exactly what i would have written to describe finn's passions. this was comforting to me because as moms of teens know, we start to get pushed away as our kids strive for more independence. because of this, we sometimes question how well we still know our teen.
that little boy that followed me around the house talking incessantly about space and submarines is gone. he no longer shares every thought he has with me. he needs more time with own thoughts as he processes them and transitions from boy to young man.
this piece of paper reminded me i still know my 13 year old well. the best part is the realization that i know hundreds more things that he would never share on this piece of paper....all those things that make up his heart. i know what makes him laugh, the things that inspire him, his fears and what makes him feel safe and loved.


this is the beauty of being a parent. anyone who spends a day or week with finn will clearly learn what some of his passions are, but as his parent, i get privy to so much more. for this, i feel pretty fortunate. {i think the word 'space' appears at least 5x on this paper} 

finn oliver gerber, 8th grade, age 13

most people

most people are good. there are some people who aren't good of course,
but if you could line up all the good people and all the bad ones, the line
of good people would be much, much longer.
- michael leannah, most people

over the last year, i've discovered a few fabulous literature blogs and instagram feeds that allow me to see the latest book releases and don't take much time out of my week to review. one is geared towards adult books which is perfect for getting ideas for my book club, the other highlights young adult (YA) books which has helped give me suggestions for finn, and the last focuses on children's picture books. even though i no longer have wee ones, i love a good picture book too, and I keep my eyes open for ones that are unique or that inspire.

i came across a newly released picture book called Most People and instantly loved the story and it's message that most people in this world are good. starting around the toddler years, parents and caregivers often focus a lot on 'stranger danger' and for good reason. young children are learning about the world and it's dangers. as protectors, we give them simple black and white messages like don't talk or go with strangers, etc. it's important stuff, but the reality is, our children are far likely to get injured in car accidents, from falls or drown in pools than get kidnapped. as our children mature, the conversation about strangers should change to teach that 'most people' aren't bad.

this new picture book does a beautiful job teaching this through incredible illustrations and addressing some every day stereotypes. for example, one page shows a large burly tattooed man wearing a leather jacket and a big chain necklace walking down the street towards an elderly grandma with a purse on her shoulder and walking with a cane. the man looks menacing, but the next page shows him opening a door for the grandma and saying "after you', as they both smile at each other. the book weaves characters of different ages and nationalities and shows a interactions and kindness throughout. the author shows how we are all connected to one another in our communities and as humans who share this world.

as i read through this book, i thought about how my parents raised their 7 children. i feel pretty fortunate they didn't teach us to be fearful of the world. this has helped me worry less and be a better parent to finn and scout. i am grateful for this. had my parents raised me to be fearful, our boys would have never had the opportunities to build deep friendships, never learned how other families live by sleeping over or taking trips with them. we would have never travelled to new countries {as a couple or as a family}, had all the adventures we've had to date, met so many interesting and kind people  along our journeys or even had the guts to try new foods. i remember my mom telling me that parents literally shape their children's view of the world and wow, what a responsibility this is. so thank you michael leanhan for reminding us that the world is not a scary place...that most people enjoy helping those in need, smile when they see a baby or a puppy, and enjoy going home to their loved ones every night just like we do. as this picture teachers, most people are good.

i was so happy to come across this gem of a book. it might just be my favorite picture book of the year!

being a middle school mom

middle school has so much drama and it's mostly involving the girls.
luckily, i've learned how to avoid it. i chose friends who don't like it and we stick together.
we're only in middle school, there should be no drama.
- finn oliver gerber, age 13

i was home from work today suffering from allergies, so c got a break from his daily routine and and i picked up the boys from school this afternoon.  when i asked about their day, these are the words that came from my firstborn. he's mentioned middle school drama a few times over the years, girl's fighting over boys, girl's being mean to each other, etc, but he never mentioned how he's been able to stay out of it until today. i like his strategy.

finn is now an 8th grader. this is his last year of middle school and the crazy thing is i was just sharing with my girlfriends that i am finally getting used to being a middle school mom.  towards the middle of last year, things started to fall into place, and i grew more confident in parenting him. now he's an 8th grader and high school is just around the corner. i'll be back in unchartered territory once again. being a  parent is like that....just when we think we got it down, something inevitably changes.

fortunately, what i've learned won't be a complete waste since scout is just behind finn. all those things i've learned will be helpful, and tonight, i wanted to take a minute to record some of them here....to remind me i CAN survive middle school years, and to remind other parents who are in the midst of it or will be there soon, that they can too.

here are 5 things i've learned over the last 2 years {i could list 20}:


1. stay close to your kids
middle schoolers start to distance themselves from their parents and though this is an important step to becoming a functioning adult, they still need us. don't let their size or attitude make you think otherwise. stay close to them with daily conversations. ask open ended questions that encourage them to give more than a yes or no answer. c does this on his drive home with the boys every day from school. they are a captive audience and aren't allowed to put their heads into electronic devices. he makes good use of their time together to connect and talk about their day. i did this as well during the boys' preschool days. we'd have the best conversations and it was truly my FAVORITE part of my day. i likely get a less enthusiastic discussion when i get home from work because the boys have already shared about their day with c, but they do their best to give me a few minutes. i reconnect with them again at bedtime when i read to scout,  and when i give finn a massage {he's into head massages these days}. just like with little kids, most middle school kids turn into jelly at bedtime. their defenses come down and they often will share something personal. we still do our once a month mom and son night too. with finn, it usually resolves around food {sushi}. scout prefers to do something physical. parents of middle schoolers, remember, don't let hormones scare you away from your kids. they need us and our influence more than ever during these critical years.


2. give them more responsibility
c and i grew up in homes with parents who believed in the value of work. we were given age appropriate chores all throughout childhood. at age 12, my brothers were mowing lawns, c had his own paper route and i was babysitting for a neighbor family every weekend. c and i want finn and scout to learn the value of work too and agreed early on not to give the boys a weekly allowance for chores.being a part of our family means they have to work and do their share. if they want to earn money, they have an opportunity to go above and beyond their usual chores list and work for it.

once a kid enters middle school, they are {typically} more mature and are physically bigger which means they can literally and figuratively carry more weight at home. finn has taken on more chores over the last two years which include rolling the very large trash and recycle bins to the curb once a week, watering plants, removing the pool cover, and helping with landscape. all these are in addition to his regular indoor household chores. his help has taken a bit off c's shoulders which i know he welcomes, and scout is starting to take on more too. as parents, it's important to let our kids know just how much their help is appreciated. they get a sense of accomplishment when they contribute in a positive way.  we're learning when we expect more from the boys, they step up.

3. have rules and enforce them
kids of all ages love rules, and they do better when rules are clear and there is consistency surrounding them. c and i learned this early on when our kiddos were babies and toddlers. i admit, daycares and nannies helped with the routine. they had it down and we followed the routine on weekends and when we were home and it worked like magic. naptime and bedtime were non-negotiable, to this day, the boys have set bedtimes and stick to it. even our middle schooler. because finn has been so responsible, we allow a little bending of the rules when he has sleepovers.


when it comes to social media or recreational computer use, finn knows that as parents, we have the ability and the right to monitor his phone and computer at ANY time. he is perfectly ok with this because the conversation started when finn first had access to a computer. it's been ongoing and was restated before he got his phone last year. the boys have no problem with this because expectations have already been set. as every parent and parenting book says, talk early and talk often.


just last weekend, the family sat down to discuss use of electronic devices. like so many other parents, we felt the boys were having too much screen time. c and i love computers as much as anyone - they help us work, organize our home photos and movies, stay in touch with loved ones, and plan trips, BUT, we don't believe they should take the place of active outdoor play and real connections {face to face time}. i told c i didn't want to get angry and start nagging the boys, so he suggested a simple family meeting. we all sat down at the kitchen table over the weekend. c and i discussed our concerns and we all come up with a solution that was fair and works for all. it took some negotiating and discussion, but everyone is on board, and until these new rules become habit, they are hanging in our kitchen and in the boys' bedroom to help us all remember.


4. they need to be reminded to take showers
when our boys were younger, they LOVED taking baths. they'd spend an hour or more in the tub. scout on occasion will still do this {mostly after tough soccer games}. these days, bathing of any kind, is a chore for finn....one more thing to cross off his list. some days i'm sure he would love to skip a shower, but puberty means hormones are in full swing and stinky armpits come with that. i want the my kids showering EVERY day. the only exception is if the boys swim late, they are in the ocean late in the day or we are camping. i don't sleep in their tent, and part of camping is smelling like sweat and campfire after all right. *grin* scout complains he shouldn't have to take a shower daily because isn't in puberty, but it's not too far off and good practice. more importantly, he plays soccer every day, and he gets sweaty and dirty.


5. middle schoolers like affection on their terms
as our children become tweens and teens and separate from us to find their own identities, they often become less affectionate. that doesn't mean they don't love us or want or need our hugs. they still do,  just not as much as they did when they were toddlers/preschoolers.  also, they want it on THEIR terms. for a mom like me who is outwardly affectionate, it's was a little difficult to be shrugged off when i put my arm around my 13 year old son. c reminded me it was in public which made it a little easier, but when i only got a half hug on mother's day instead of a full embrance, i was almost in tears. wait, come to think of it, i was actually DID cry tears, but not until after my teenager left the room.


other days, like today, finn kissed me 3x on the lips! the first kiss was just after he said 'thank you' for buying me an icee at the 7-11 {we were in my car}, the second came as he walked into the kitchen to find dinner ready, and the third came just before bed tonight.  impressive yes?  it seems this middle schooler still loves to love, but it has to be on his terms most of the time. like most his age, finn doesn't like affection in public or in front of his friends. a quick hug is ok, but anything beyond that and he gets frustrated.  if you have a middle schooler that refuses affection from you, don't take it personally parents. it's a phase and someday after college - in their mid to late 20s, i keep reading and hearing most kids will be comfortable enough in their skin to show some affection publicly. we just need to hang in there.


6. let our kids mess up
a lot of parents struggle with this one and i admit, i've struggled with this one a little. fortunately, i have a spouse who doesn't struggle with this one at all {maybe it's a dad thing?}, and he reminds me and sets an example of how to do this. when scout was younger, i'd let scout beat me in a foot race and in board games, but c would have no problem letting him lose. now when they play ping pong, c doesn't hold back at all and scout's a better player because of it. 


so parents, this one is really, really hard, but when our middle schooler makes a mistake, we HAVE to let him fail. this is pre-season for high school, and if we want our high schooler to be game-day ready (self-sufficient), he has to learn from screwing up a few times. that means if they forget their homework - instrument, sneakers, lunch, whatever - on the kitchen table, leave it there. if he blows a test, don't call the teacher. if his friend is mean, don't call his mom. if a project is due tomorrow, let them him sweat it out. our job is to let them solve their own problems because this is how they grow. {exception: if a child is being bullied, of course you need to step in}, but the point is, we have to let our kids mess up. so that's 6 things instead of 5, but i couldn't leave the last one out - it might be the most important.


i have a personal example i'll share here of how i let the boys fail this past year {it was hard, but worth it}. the boys had piano lessons coming up and neither had practiced all week. i reminded them to practice once a few days prior to it, but forced myself not to remind them again. the boys know they have lessons every friday afternoon, and they know they need to practice in order to be prepared. the boys blew off practicing and showed up to their lessons completely unprepared. their teacher, mr. patrick, was disappointed and said as much. they were embarrassed and from that day on, they practice on their own, NOT because i nag them or tell them i am  throwing money away. they practice because they experienced what it felt like to be unprepared and FAIL. they don't want that day repeated. 

so that's a little peek into the life of this middle school mom and what i've learned....so far.




middle school friends {finn oliver: age 13, 8th grade}

andy davis designs

i came across a poster advertising an upcoming surf contest here in southern ca, and i recognized the artist immediately. he's one of my favorites and the best part is he's local. his name is andy davis and he has a new studio, way way out there that recently opened in solana beach. 

oh how i love andy's work!  his style is playful and fresh and his sherbet color palette is almost delicious.
his pieces express his love of the ocean and surf culture.  yes, andy is a surfer and one look at his art and you'd have guessed it. he has created dozens of pieces with sinewy surfers {male and female} hanging ten or five or on the sand. one of my favorites {below} is a young couple from behind walking hand in hand and carrying surfboards in opposite hand. it reminds me of my early days in california with c - when we surfed together every evening after work and watch the sun melt into the ocean. ahhh, those were the days! i think back to them and can't believe how easy life was...we had so few responsibilities then. i'm grateful for those days because we built so many happy memories together around all that together time. i can't help but get a big cheesy grin on my face when i think about those days.


these days, i'm at the beach a lot less, but with c coaching finn's middle school surf team, the biggest boys will be enjoying many sunrise and sunset sessions over the next year. i vow to get to the beach more and maybe even join them for a surf session. i just bought a new wetsuit so i have no excuses.


in today's post, i really wanted to capture that i've been working on ideas to make date nights more fun. dinners, walks and movies are nice, but for those who have been married for years, or those who are in long-term relationships, you know how easy it is to fall into a rut and do the same things. we all know how important it is to experience new things, and that goes for couples too. since learning of andy's new studio, we've decided this will be perfect for an upcoming date. we'll get to see a variety of his work, and have a nice meal in a new neighborhood afterwards. i'm seriously excited about this and if we are lucky, we might even get to meet the artist. 


i'll finish with sharing two pieces of many i'd LOVE to purchase for my home.
it's unlikely i'll be doing this anytime soon since andy doesn't sell posters of his pieces, and his originals are a bit out of my price range.





the story shop

books are a uniquely portable magic.
- stephen king


i came across a blog post about the cutest bookstore i've ever seen.
it's called the story shop and the owner has gone above and beyond to make this place special.

the shop's tagline is where whimsy and imagination come to life and one look at the photos
and it was a book loving child's paradise.  it's home is a huge loft with wide open spaces and tall ceilings
and the books they stock range from hard to the classics to contemporary. there's a child-sized teepee with
loads of pillows that offer a comfy and private place for kids to get away and read while visiting, a hobbit hideout,
and even a yellow brick road leading up to a giant wardrobe inspired by the chronicles of narnia book series.
guests can walk right through it to another room where story time takes place. 

oh and i can't forget about the party room. they rent it out for birthdays, and they hold all kinds of special events.
i think i read they just hosted a 21+ harry potter celebration. one look at these photos and you'll see how this store
can make a booklover of all ages smile.


if i'm ever anywhere within a few hours of monroe, georgia {an hour east of atlanta}, where this
magical bookstore is located, you can believe i will be visiting.