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the musings of a san diego mom who loves her city, her life and her boys.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

most people

most people are good. there are some people who aren't good of course,
but if you could line up all the good people and all the bad ones, the line
of good people would be much, much longer.
- michael leannah, most people

over the last year, i've discovered a few fabulous literature blogs and instagram feeds that allow me to see the latest book releases and don't take much time out of my week to review. one is geared towards adult books which is perfect for getting ideas for my book club, the other highlights young adult (YA) books which has helped give me suggestions for finn, and the last focuses on children's picture books. even though i no longer have wee ones, i love a good picture book too, and I keep my eyes open for ones that are unique or that inspire.

i came across a newly released picture book called Most People and instantly loved the story and it's message that most people in this world are good. starting around the toddler years, parents and caregivers often focus a lot on 'stranger danger' and for good reason. young children are learning about the world and it's dangers. as protectors, we give them simple black and white messages like don't talk or go with strangers, etc. it's important stuff, but the reality is, our children are far likely to get injured in car accidents, from falls or drown in pools than get kidnapped. as our children mature, the conversation about strangers should change to teach that 'most people' aren't bad.

this new picture book does a beautiful job teaching this through incredible illustrations and addressing some every day stereotypes. for example, one page shows a large burly tattooed man wearing a leather jacket and a big chain necklace walking down the street towards an elderly grandma with a purse on her shoulder and walking with a cane. the man looks menacing, but the next page shows him opening a door for the grandma and saying "after you', as they both smile at each other. the book weaves characters of different ages and nationalities and shows a interactions and kindness throughout. the author shows how we are all connected to one another in our communities and as humans who share this world.

as i read through this book, i thought about how my parents raised their 7 children. i feel pretty fortunate they didn't teach us to be fearful of the world. this has helped me worry less and be a better parent to finn and scout. i am grateful for this. had my parents raised me to be fearful, our boys would have never had the opportunities to build deep friendships, never learned how other families live by sleeping over or taking trips with them. we would have never travelled to new countries {as a couple or as a family}, had all the adventures we've had to date, met so many interesting and kind people  along our journeys or even had the guts to try new foods. i remember my mom telling me that parents literally shape their children's view of the world and wow, what a responsibility this is. so thank you michael leanhan for reminding us that the world is not a scary place...that most people enjoy helping those in need, smile when they see a baby or a puppy, and enjoy going home to their loved ones every night just like we do. as this picture teachers, most people are good.

i was so happy to come across this gem of a book. it might just be my favorite picture book of the year!














Monday, September 18, 2017

being a middle school mom

middle school has so much drama and it's mostly involving the girls.
luckily, i've learned how to avoid it. i chose friends who don't like it and we stick together.
we're only in middle school, there should be no drama.
- finn oliver gerber, age 13

i was home from work today suffering from allergies, so c got a break from his daily routine and and i picked up the boys from school this afternoon.  when i asked about their day, these are the words that came from my firstborn. he's mentioned middle school drama a few times over the years, girl's fighting over boys, girl's being mean to each other, etc, but he never mentioned how he's been able to stay out of it until today. i like his strategy.

finn is now an 8th grader. this is his last year of middle school and the crazy thing is i was just sharing with my girlfriends that i am finally getting used to being a middle school mom.  towards the middle of last year, things started to fall into place, and i grew more confident in parenting him. now he's an 8th grader and high school is just around the corner. i'll be back in unchartered territory once again. being a  parent is like that....just when we think we got it down, something inevitably changes.

fortunately, what i've learned won't be a complete waste since scout is just behind finn. all those things i've learned will be helpful, and tonight, i wanted to take a minute to record some of them here....to remind me i CAN survive middle school years, and to remind other parents who are in the midst of it or will be there soon, that they can too.

here are 5 things i've learned over the last 2 years {i could list 20}:


1. stay close to your kids
middle schoolers start to distance themselves from their parents and though this is an important step to becoming a functioning adult, they still need us. don't let their size or attitude make you think otherwise. stay close to them with daily conversations. ask open ended questions that encourage them to give more than a yes or no answer. c does this on his drive home with the boys every day from school. they are a captive audience and aren't allowed to put their heads into electronic devices. he makes good use of their time together to connect and talk about their day. i did this as well during the boys' preschool days. we'd have the best conversations and it was truly my FAVORITE part of my day. i likely get a less enthusiastic discussion when i get home from work because the boys have already shared about their day with c, but they do their best to give me a few minutes. i reconnect with them again at bedtime when i read to scout,  and when i give finn a massage {he's into head massages these days}. just like with little kids, most middle school kids turn into jelly at bedtime. their defenses come down and they often will share something personal. we still do our once a month mom and son night too. with finn, it usually resolves around food {sushi}. scout prefers to do something physical. parents of middle schoolers, remember, don't let hormones scare you away from your kids. they need us and our influence more than ever during these critical years.


2. give them more responsibility
c and i grew up in homes with parents who believed in the value of work. we were given age appropriate chores all throughout childhood. at age 12, my brothers were mowing lawns, c had his own paper route and i was babysitting for a neighbor family every weekend. c and i want finn and scout to learn the value of work too and agreed early on not to give the boys a weekly allowance for chores.being a part of our family means they have to work and do their share. if they want to earn money, they have an opportunity to go above and beyond their usual chores list and work for it.

once a kid enters middle school, they are {typically} more mature and are physically bigger which means they can literally and figuratively carry more weight at home. finn has taken on more chores over the last two years which include rolling the very large trash and recycle bins to the curb once a week, watering plants, removing the pool cover, and helping with landscape. all these are in addition to his regular indoor household chores. his help has taken a bit off c's shoulders which i know he welcomes, and scout is starting to take on more too. as parents, it's important to let our kids know just how much their help is appreciated. they get a sense of accomplishment when they contribute in a positive way.  we're learning when we expect more from the boys, they step up.

3. have rules and enforce them
kids of all ages love rules, and they do better when rules are clear and there is consistency surrounding them. c and i learned this early on when our kiddos were babies and toddlers. i admit, daycares and nannies helped with the routine. they had it down and we followed the routine on weekends and when we were home and it worked like magic. naptime and bedtime were non-negotiable, to this day, the boys have set bedtimes and stick to it. even our middle schooler. because finn has been so responsible, we allow a little bending of the rules when he has sleepovers.


when it comes to social media or recreational computer use, finn knows that as parents, we have the ability and the right to monitor his phone and computer at ANY time. he is perfectly ok with this because the conversation started when finn first had access to a computer. it's been ongoing and was restated before he got his phone last year. the boys have no problem with this because expectations have already been set. as every parent and parenting book says, talk early and talk often.


just last weekend, the family sat down to discuss use of electronic devices. like so many other parents, we felt the boys were having too much screen time. c and i love computers as much as anyone - they help us work, organize our home photos and movies, stay in touch with loved ones, and plan trips, BUT, we don't believe they should take the place of active outdoor play and real connections {face to face time}. i told c i didn't want to get angry and start nagging the boys, so he suggested a simple family meeting. we all sat down at the kitchen table over the weekend. c and i discussed our concerns and we all come up with a solution that was fair and works for all. it took some negotiating and discussion, but everyone is on board, and until these new rules become habit, they are hanging in our kitchen and in the boys' bedroom to help us all remember.


4. they need to be reminded to take showers
when our boys were younger, they LOVED taking baths. they'd spend an hour or more in the tub. scout on occasion will still do this {mostly after tough soccer games}. these days, bathing of any kind, is a chore for finn....one more thing to cross off his list. some days i'm sure he would love to skip a shower, but puberty means hormones are in full swing and stinky armpits come with that. i want the my kids showering EVERY day. the only exception is if the boys swim late, they are in the ocean late in the day or we are camping. i don't sleep in their tent, and part of camping is smelling like sweat and campfire after all right. *grin* scout complains he shouldn't have to take a shower daily because isn't in puberty, but it's not too far off and good practice. more importantly, he plays soccer every day, and he gets sweaty and dirty.


5. middle schoolers like affection on their terms
as our children become tweens and teens and separate from us to find their own identities, they often become less affectionate. that doesn't mean they don't love us or want or need our hugs. they still do,  just not as much as they did when they were toddlers/preschoolers.  also, they want it on THEIR terms. for a mom like me who is outwardly affectionate, it's was a little difficult to be shrugged off when i put my arm around my 13 year old son. c reminded me it was in public which made it a little easier, but when i only got a half hug on mother's day instead of a full embrance, i was almost in tears. wait, come to think of it, i was actually DID cry tears, but not until after my teenager left the room.


other days, like today, finn kissed me 3x on the lips! the first kiss was just after he said 'thank you' for buying me an icee at the 7-11 {we were in my car}, the second came as he walked into the kitchen to find dinner ready, and the third came just before bed tonight.  impressive yes?  it seems this middle schooler still loves to love, but it has to be on his terms most of the time. like most his age, finn doesn't like affection in public or in front of his friends. a quick hug is ok, but anything beyond that and he gets frustrated.  if you have a middle schooler that refuses affection from you, don't take it personally parents. it's a phase and someday after college - in their mid to late 20s, i keep reading and hearing most kids will be comfortable enough in their skin to show some affection publicly. we just need to hang in there.


6. let our kids mess up
a lot of parents struggle with this one and i admit, i've struggled with this one a little. fortunately, i have a spouse who doesn't struggle with this one at all {maybe it's a dad thing?}, and he reminds me and sets an example of how to do this. when scout was younger, i'd let scout beat me in a foot race and in board games, but c would have no problem letting him lose. now when they play ping pong, c doesn't hold back at all and scout's a better player because of it. 


so parents, this one is really, really hard, but when our middle schooler makes a mistake, we HAVE to let him fail. this is pre-season for high school, and if we want our high schooler to be game-day ready (self-sufficient), he has to learn from screwing up a few times. that means if they forget their homework - instrument, sneakers, lunch, whatever - on the kitchen table, leave it there. if he blows a test, don't call the teacher. if his friend is mean, don't call his mom. if a project is due tomorrow, let them him sweat it out. our job is to let them solve their own problems because this is how they grow. {exception: if a child is being bullied, of course you need to step in}, but the point is, we have to let our kids mess up. so that's 6 things instead of 5, but i couldn't leave the last one out - it might be the most important.


i have a personal example i'll share here of how i let the boys fail this past year {it was hard, but worth it}. the boys had piano lessons coming up and neither had practiced all week. i reminded them to practice once a few days prior to it, but forced myself not to remind them again. the boys know they have lessons every friday afternoon, and they know they need to practice in order to be prepared. the boys blew off practicing and showed up to their lessons completely unprepared. their teacher, mr. patrick, was disappointed and said as much. they were embarrassed and from that day on, they practice on their own, NOT because i nag them or tell them i am  throwing money away. they practice because they experienced what it felt like to be unprepared and FAIL. they don't want that day repeated. 

so that's a little peek into the life of this middle school mom and what i've learned....so far.



middle school friends {finn oliver: age 13, 8th grade}




Thursday, September 14, 2017

andy davis designs

i came across a poster advertising an upcoming surf contest here in southern ca, and i recognized the artist immediately. he's one of my favorites and the best part is he's local. his name is andy davis and he has a new studio, way way out there that recently opened in solana beach. 


oh how i love andy's work!  his style is playful and fresh and his sherbet color palette is almost delicious.
his pieces express his love of the ocean and surf culture.  yes, andy is a surfer and one look at his art and you'd have guessed it. he has created dozens of pieces with sinewy surfers {male and female} hanging ten or five or on the sand. one of my favorites {below} is a young couple from behind walking hand in hand and carrying surfboards in opposite hand. it reminds me of my early days in california with c - when we surfed together every evening after work and watch the sun melt into the ocean. ahhh, those were the days! i think back to them and can't believe how easy life was...we had so few responsibilities then. i'm grateful for those days because we built so many happy memories together around all that together time. i can't help but get a big cheesy grin on my face when i think about those days.


these days, i'm at the beach a lot less, but with c coaching finn's middle school surf team, the biggest boys will be enjoying many sunrise and sunset sessions over the next year. i vow to get to the beach more and maybe even join them for a surf session. i just bought a new wetsuit so i have no excuses.


in today's post, i really wanted to capture that i've been working on ideas to make date nights more fun. dinners, walks and movies are nice, but for those who have been married for years, or those who are in long-term relationships, you know how easy it is to fall into a rut and do the same things. we all know how important it is to experience new things, and that goes for couples too. since learning of andy's new studio, we've decided this will be perfect for an upcoming date. we'll get to see a variety of his work, and have a nice meal in a new neighborhood afterwards. i'm seriously excited about this and if we are lucky, we might even get to meet the artist. 


i'll finish with sharing two pieces of many i'd LOVE to purchase for my home.
it's unlikely i'll be doing this anytime soon since andy doesn't sell posters of his pieces, and his originals are a bit out of my price range.


































Monday, September 4, 2017

the story shop

books are a uniquely portable magic.
- stephen king


i came across a blog post about the cutest bookstore i've ever seen.
it's called the story shop and the owner has gone above and beyond to make this place special.

the shop's tagline is where whimsy and imagination come to life and one look at the photos
and it was a book loving child's paradise.  it's home is a huge loft with wide open spaces and tall ceilings
and the books they stock range from hard to the classics to contemporary. there's a child-sized teepee with
loads of pillows that offer a comfy and private place for kids to get away and read while visiting, a hobbit hideout,
and even a yellow brick road leading up to a giant wardrobe inspired by the chronicles of narnia book series.
guests can walk right through it to another room where story time takes place. 

oh and i can't forget about the party room. they rent it out for birthdays, and they hold all kinds of special events.
i think i read they just hosted a 21+ harry potter celebration. one look at these photos and you'll see how this store
can make a booklover of all ages smile.


if i'm ever anywhere within a few hours of monroe, georgia {an hour east of atlanta}, where this
magical bookstore is located, you can believe i will be visiting.












































































































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San Diego, CA, United States
I'm a Southern California mom to 2 boys and a wifey to my long-time love. I work full-time and life is a bit crazy, but I strive to remember to take time to enjoy the little things, because in the end, it's those things that will matter most.