for what it's worth...

i was up late last night catching up on laundry that i neglected over the weekend.
while the boys watched an episode of the new star trek discovery, i washed and folded
clothes in the guest bedroom. yep, this little 1960s home doesn't have a laundry room.
i make due with the guest room. since i had lots laundry to fold, i passed the time by watching
the curious case of benjamin button, based off the novel of the same title by f. scott fitzgerald.


i watched this film years ago at the theater with christopher, and remember thinking the storyline
was a bit odd, but i really enjoyed it. during the movie, there is a scene where one of benjamin's letters to daisy, the love of his life is being read. the words were powerful and completely mesmerized me. with the right font and paper, this quote would make a beautiful framed gift to a friend, a sibling, a spouse or even a child graduating from college.
i hope you enjoy as much as i do.

most people

most people are good. there are some people who aren't good of course,
but if you could line up all the good people and all the bad ones, the line
of good people would be much, much longer.
- michael leannah, most people

over the last year, i've discovered a few fabulous literature blogs and instagram feeds that allow me to see the latest book releases and don't take much time out of my week to review. one is geared towards adult books which is perfect for getting ideas for my book club, the other highlights young adult (YA) books which has helped give me suggestions for finn, and the last focuses on children's picture books. even though i no longer have wee ones, i love a good picture book too, and I keep my eyes open for ones that are unique or that inspire.

i came across a newly released picture book called Most People and instantly loved the story and it's message that most people in this world are good. starting around the toddler years, parents and caregivers often focus a lot on 'stranger danger' and for good reason. young children are learning about the world and it's dangers. as protectors, we give them simple black and white messages like don't talk or go with strangers, etc. it's important stuff, but the reality is, our children are far likely to get injured in car accidents, from falls or drown in pools than get kidnapped. as our children mature, the conversation about strangers should change to teach that 'most people' aren't bad.

this new picture book does a beautiful job teaching this through incredible illustrations and addressing some every day stereotypes. for example, one page shows a large burly tattooed man wearing a leather jacket and a big chain necklace walking down the street towards an elderly grandma with a purse on her shoulder and walking with a cane. the man looks menacing, but the next page shows him opening a door for the grandma and saying "after you', as they both smile at each other. the book weaves characters of different ages and nationalities and shows a interactions and kindness throughout. the author shows how we are all connected to one another in our communities and as humans who share this world.

as i read through this book, i thought about how my parents raised their 7 children. i feel pretty fortunate they didn't teach us to be fearful of the world. this has helped me worry less and be a better parent to finn and scout. i am grateful for this. had my parents raised me to be fearful, our boys would have never had the opportunities to build deep friendships, never learned how other families live by sleeping over or taking trips with them. we would have never travelled to new countries {as a couple or as a family}, had all the adventures we've had to date, met so many interesting and kind people  along our journeys or even had the guts to try new foods. i remember my mom telling me that parents literally shape their children's view of the world and wow, what a responsibility this is. so thank you michael leanhan for reminding us that the world is not a scary place...that most people enjoy helping those in need, smile when they see a baby or a puppy, and enjoy going home to their loved ones every night just like we do. as this picture teachers, most people are good.

i was so happy to come across this gem of a book. it might just be my favorite picture book of the year!

being a middle school mom

middle school has so much drama and it's mostly involving the girls.
luckily, i've learned how to avoid it. i chose friends who don't like it and we stick together.
we're only in middle school, there should be no drama.
- finn oliver gerber, age 13

i was home from work today suffering from allergies, so c got a break from his daily routine and and i picked up the boys from school this afternoon.  when i asked about their day, these are the words that came from my firstborn. he's mentioned middle school drama a few times over the years, girl's fighting over boys, girl's being mean to each other, etc, but he never mentioned how he's been able to stay out of it until today. i like his strategy.

finn is now an 8th grader. this is his last year of middle school and the crazy thing is i was just sharing with my girlfriends that i am finally getting used to being a middle school mom.  towards the middle of last year, things started to fall into place, and i grew more confident in parenting him. now he's an 8th grader and high school is just around the corner. i'll be back in unchartered territory once again. being a  parent is like that....just when we think we got it down, something inevitably changes.

fortunately, what i've learned won't be a complete waste since scout is just behind finn. all those things i've learned will be helpful, and tonight, i wanted to take a minute to record some of them here....to remind me i CAN survive middle school years, and to remind other parents who are in the midst of it or will be there soon, that they can too.

here are 5 things i've learned over the last 2 years {i could list 20}:


1. stay close to your kids
middle schoolers start to distance themselves from their parents and though this is an important step to becoming a functioning adult, they still need us. don't let their size or attitude make you think otherwise. stay close to them with daily conversations. ask open ended questions that encourage them to give more than a yes or no answer. c does this on his drive home with the boys every day from school. they are a captive audience and aren't allowed to put their heads into electronic devices. he makes good use of their time together to connect and talk about their day. i did this as well during the boys' preschool days. we'd have the best conversations and it was truly my FAVORITE part of my day. i likely get a less enthusiastic discussion when i get home from work because the boys have already shared about their day with c, but they do their best to give me a few minutes. i reconnect with them again at bedtime when i read to scout,  and when i give finn a massage {he's into head massages these days}. just like with little kids, most middle school kids turn into jelly at bedtime. their defenses come down and they often will share something personal. we still do our once a month mom and son night too. with finn, it usually resolves around food {sushi}. scout prefers to do something physical. parents of middle schoolers, remember, don't let hormones scare you away from your kids. they need us and our influence more than ever during these critical years.


2. give them more responsibility
c and i grew up in homes with parents who believed in the value of work. we were given age appropriate chores all throughout childhood. at age 12, my brothers were mowing lawns, c had his own paper route and i was babysitting for a neighbor family every weekend. c and i want finn and scout to learn the value of work too and agreed early on not to give the boys a weekly allowance for chores.being a part of our family means they have to work and do their share. if they want to earn money, they have an opportunity to go above and beyond their usual chores list and work for it.

once a kid enters middle school, they are {typically} more mature and are physically bigger which means they can literally and figuratively carry more weight at home. finn has taken on more chores over the last two years which include rolling the very large trash and recycle bins to the curb once a week, watering plants, removing the pool cover, and helping with landscape. all these are in addition to his regular indoor household chores. his help has taken a bit off c's shoulders which i know he welcomes, and scout is starting to take on more too. as parents, it's important to let our kids know just how much their help is appreciated. they get a sense of accomplishment when they contribute in a positive way.  we're learning when we expect more from the boys, they step up.

3. have rules and enforce them
kids of all ages love rules, and they do better when rules are clear and there is consistency surrounding them. c and i learned this early on when our kiddos were babies and toddlers. i admit, daycares and nannies helped with the routine. they had it down and we followed the routine on weekends and when we were home and it worked like magic. naptime and bedtime were non-negotiable, to this day, the boys have set bedtimes and stick to it. even our middle schooler. because finn has been so responsible, we allow a little bending of the rules when he has sleepovers.


when it comes to social media or recreational computer use, finn knows that as parents, we have the ability and the right to monitor his phone and computer at ANY time. he is perfectly ok with this because the conversation started when finn first had access to a computer. it's been ongoing and was restated before he got his phone last year. the boys have no problem with this because expectations have already been set. as every parent and parenting book says, talk early and talk often.


just last weekend, the family sat down to discuss use of electronic devices. like so many other parents, we felt the boys were having too much screen time. c and i love computers as much as anyone - they help us work, organize our home photos and movies, stay in touch with loved ones, and plan trips, BUT, we don't believe they should take the place of active outdoor play and real connections {face to face time}. i told c i didn't want to get angry and start nagging the boys, so he suggested a simple family meeting. we all sat down at the kitchen table over the weekend. c and i discussed our concerns and we all come up with a solution that was fair and works for all. it took some negotiating and discussion, but everyone is on board, and until these new rules become habit, they are hanging in our kitchen and in the boys' bedroom to help us all remember.


4. they need to be reminded to take showers
when our boys were younger, they LOVED taking baths. they'd spend an hour or more in the tub. scout on occasion will still do this {mostly after tough soccer games}. these days, bathing of any kind, is a chore for finn....one more thing to cross off his list. some days i'm sure he would love to skip a shower, but puberty means hormones are in full swing and stinky armpits come with that. i want the my kids showering EVERY day. the only exception is if the boys swim late, they are in the ocean late in the day or we are camping. i don't sleep in their tent, and part of camping is smelling like sweat and campfire after all right. *grin* scout complains he shouldn't have to take a shower daily because isn't in puberty, but it's not too far off and good practice. more importantly, he plays soccer every day, and he gets sweaty and dirty.


5. middle schoolers like affection on their terms
as our children become tweens and teens and separate from us to find their own identities, they often become less affectionate. that doesn't mean they don't love us or want or need our hugs. they still do,  just not as much as they did when they were toddlers/preschoolers.  also, they want it on THEIR terms. for a mom like me who is outwardly affectionate, it's was a little difficult to be shrugged off when i put my arm around my 13 year old son. c reminded me it was in public which made it a little easier, but when i only got a half hug on mother's day instead of a full embrance, i was almost in tears. wait, come to think of it, i was actually DID cry tears, but not until after my teenager left the room.


other days, like today, finn kissed me 3x on the lips! the first kiss was just after he said 'thank you' for buying me an icee at the 7-11 {we were in my car}, the second came as he walked into the kitchen to find dinner ready, and the third came just before bed tonight.  impressive yes?  it seems this middle schooler still loves to love, but it has to be on his terms most of the time. like most his age, finn doesn't like affection in public or in front of his friends. a quick hug is ok, but anything beyond that and he gets frustrated.  if you have a middle schooler that refuses affection from you, don't take it personally parents. it's a phase and someday after college - in their mid to late 20s, i keep reading and hearing most kids will be comfortable enough in their skin to show some affection publicly. we just need to hang in there.


6. let our kids mess up
a lot of parents struggle with this one and i admit, i've struggled with this one a little. fortunately, i have a spouse who doesn't struggle with this one at all {maybe it's a dad thing?}, and he reminds me and sets an example of how to do this. when scout was younger, i'd let scout beat me in a foot race and in board games, but c would have no problem letting him lose. now when they play ping pong, c doesn't hold back at all and scout's a better player because of it. 


so parents, this one is really, really hard, but when our middle schooler makes a mistake, we HAVE to let him fail. this is pre-season for high school, and if we want our high schooler to be game-day ready (self-sufficient), he has to learn from screwing up a few times. that means if they forget their homework - instrument, sneakers, lunch, whatever - on the kitchen table, leave it there. if he blows a test, don't call the teacher. if his friend is mean, don't call his mom. if a project is due tomorrow, let them him sweat it out. our job is to let them solve their own problems because this is how they grow. {exception: if a child is being bullied, of course you need to step in}, but the point is, we have to let our kids mess up. so that's 6 things instead of 5, but i couldn't leave the last one out - it might be the most important.


i have a personal example i'll share here of how i let the boys fail this past year {it was hard, but worth it}. the boys had piano lessons coming up and neither had practiced all week. i reminded them to practice once a few days prior to it, but forced myself not to remind them again. the boys know they have lessons every friday afternoon, and they know they need to practice in order to be prepared. the boys blew off practicing and showed up to their lessons completely unprepared. their teacher, mr. patrick, was disappointed and said as much. they were embarrassed and from that day on, they practice on their own, NOT because i nag them or tell them i am  throwing money away. they practice because they experienced what it felt like to be unprepared and FAIL. they don't want that day repeated. 

so that's a little peek into the life of this middle school mom and what i've learned....so far.




middle school friends {finn oliver: age 13, 8th grade}

andy davis designs

i came across a poster advertising an upcoming surf contest here in southern ca, and i recognized the artist immediately. he's one of my favorites and the best part is he's local. his name is andy davis and he has a new studio, way way out there that recently opened in solana beach. 

oh how i love andy's work!  his style is playful and fresh and his sherbet color palette is almost delicious.
his pieces express his love of the ocean and surf culture.  yes, andy is a surfer and one look at his art and you'd have guessed it. he has created dozens of pieces with sinewy surfers {male and female} hanging ten or five or on the sand. one of my favorites {below} is a young couple from behind walking hand in hand and carrying surfboards in opposite hand. it reminds me of my early days in california with c - when we surfed together every evening after work and watch the sun melt into the ocean. ahhh, those were the days! i think back to them and can't believe how easy life was...we had so few responsibilities then. i'm grateful for those days because we built so many happy memories together around all that together time. i can't help but get a big cheesy grin on my face when i think about those days.


these days, i'm at the beach a lot less, but with c coaching finn's middle school surf team, the biggest boys will be enjoying many sunrise and sunset sessions over the next year. i vow to get to the beach more and maybe even join them for a surf session. i just bought a new wetsuit so i have no excuses.


in today's post, i really wanted to capture that i've been working on ideas to make date nights more fun. dinners, walks and movies are nice, but for those who have been married for years, or those who are in long-term relationships, you know how easy it is to fall into a rut and do the same things. we all know how important it is to experience new things, and that goes for couples too. since learning of andy's new studio, we've decided this will be perfect for an upcoming date. we'll get to see a variety of his work, and have a nice meal in a new neighborhood afterwards. i'm seriously excited about this and if we are lucky, we might even get to meet the artist. 


i'll finish with sharing two pieces of many i'd LOVE to purchase for my home.
it's unlikely i'll be doing this anytime soon since andy doesn't sell posters of his pieces, and his originals are a bit out of my price range.





the story shop

books are a uniquely portable magic.
- stephen king


i came across a blog post about the cutest bookstore i've ever seen.
it's called the story shop and the owner has gone above and beyond to make this place special.

the shop's tagline is where whimsy and imagination come to life and one look at the photos
and it was a book loving child's paradise.  it's home is a huge loft with wide open spaces and tall ceilings
and the books they stock range from hard to the classics to contemporary. there's a child-sized teepee with
loads of pillows that offer a comfy and private place for kids to get away and read while visiting, a hobbit hideout,
and even a yellow brick road leading up to a giant wardrobe inspired by the chronicles of narnia book series.
guests can walk right through it to another room where story time takes place. 

oh and i can't forget about the party room. they rent it out for birthdays, and they hold all kinds of special events.
i think i read they just hosted a 21+ harry potter celebration. one look at these photos and you'll see how this store
can make a booklover of all ages smile.


if i'm ever anywhere within a few hours of monroe, georgia {an hour east of atlanta}, where this
magical bookstore is located, you can believe i will be visiting.

wonder: coming to theaters soon

three years ago, when finn was a 5th grader, he excitedly told me about
a book his teacher was reading aloud in class.  up until that point, there were
very few books that would excite finn, beyond harry potter or technical books
that related to space aircraft, so i listened attentively. he told me the book was
titled, wonder. i knew this book was special because finn talked about it for a
good half hour. i was intrigued at the story, the message it taught and decided
to purchase the audible book for our upcoming 5 hour road trip to phoenix
{10 hours roundtrip}.


scout prefers reading over listening and when finn said "mom we HAVE to have a copy
for our home library, i purchased one. scout read the entire book during that trip, and
despite finn having had the story read aloud to him just a few months earlier, he was
happy to listen to the book with me. for the entire trip, we had headphones in one ear
{c provided me with a 'splitter' to allow this}.  we laughed, cried and cheered as we
were pulled into the story of auggie pullman, a 5th grade boy who was born with a
genetic disorder known as treacher collins syndrome. i think now i was the only one
who cried while listening during that roadtrip, but we all loved the story. several teacher
friends have told me wonder has become required reading for many 5th grade classrooms,
and it's no surprise to me. it's one of our favorite books to give as a birthday gift.


i just learned the movie version will be out this fall. the boys and i watched the trailer
last night and WOW! the movie appears to be well casted with jacob tremblay starring as
as the main character, auggie, and owen wilson and julia roberts plaing his parents.   


we are anxiously looking forward to the film, and if it's even half as good as the novel,
it will be time and money well spent.  njoy the trailer and if you haven't read the book,
i encourage you to read it before the movie comes out. you'll see why this book is loved
by children, parents and teachers. just don't forget the tissues when you hit the theaters
this november. {you'll need 'em}

a milestone: 25th wedding anniversary

grow old with me, the best is yet to be.
- william woodsworth

-

today, christopher and i are celebrating 25 years

together - 25 years.  it seems IMPOSSIBLE, but

only from the aspect that it doesn't FEEL like that

long. i guess that's a good sign? 

it's not all been wedded bliss. we've gone through all

kinds of things, and i have no doubt there will be bumps

in the road ahead too as that's the nature of life, BUT

we're committed to each other and our marriage, and
i have no doubts we will grow old and wrinkly together.  

i'm so glad we met on the beach in florida all those years ago.

he caught my eye immediately and it wasn't because he drove

a very cool italian car when all the other boys his age drove

muscle cars.  it was his confidence, his intelligence and the
conversation we had that drew me towards him. 
{he was also pretty darn cute}.

when i ran into him again at a party and got to know him better,
well i knew we were kindred spirits and that life with him would
be an adventure.  

we've had so many adventures, i can't begin to list them all,

but i'll name a few that come to mind. we moved to the desert

just a few short months after we married to start a new life as

grown ups. we worked, played, learned to rock climb,
made lifelong friend, learned to swing dance, surf, snowboard
we ran our first half marathon together, made lifelong friends,
and i fell in love with c's family.


i told my mom i hit the jackpot when i married into his family.
the warmth and love they've showed me from the very beginning
is truly phenomenal.
i am fortunate.
i am grateful.
i'd marry him all over again.

Scout's Fall Exhibition Night: 4th Grade

it's been a whirlwind two weeks. i'm ready for vacation now...i think we all are.
c is back from hawaii which is wonderful!  i think i may have been more excited than
the boys when he walked through the door with his signature whistle indicating he was home.
{he's been doing this since we were newlyweds}.  anyway, he was missed...ALOT!!
he shared all about his trip, showing us beautiful photos of island and several of trevor
competing in the xterra triathlon. since it was an off road race, spectators were limited
to transition areas.  i'll try to post later and share some when c gets them on the home server.



while c was away, scout was busy preparing for his class Exhibition Night.
tonight, the family all met at the school and got to see the fruits of all his labor.
this included seeing the physical skateboard that he built in class, and all the writing
and documentation surrounding it. at the end of the evening, all the kids put on all their
safety gear, grabbed their skateboards and went out on the school's blacktop.
the kids skated while their parents watched and tried to take video and photos which
didn't turn out as there wasn't enough light. scout has grown exponentially in his abilities
and it's been really fun to watch.  he's working on 'dropping in' to bowls and would
love to be able to perform an ollie someday.


i found a sweet poem in scout's notebook that he wrote at the beginning of the school year.
it has nothing to do with his skateboarding project, but it has everything to do with who he is.
it shows one of the most beautiful qualities i find in him...how loyal of a friend he is, his ability
to be vulnerable and to be introspective. he clarified some things in the poem to me later about his fears and my heart melted.

as a mother, one of my many jobs is to help my children see their strengths and their weaknesses,
and for them to be comfortable with them. at 9, scout has this confidence and my hope is as he
grows, he won't lose this. if he can hold on to it, his future wife will be one very lucky lady.

 

my man's in maui...without me

yes, the title of this blog post is true.
c is off playing in hawaii for almost a full week and i'm stuck at home.


he is there with his brother trevor, who will be racing in the
Xterra's World Championship off-road triathlon this sunday! 
it's a pretty big deal and t' trained really hard to get there.
i love watching races and competitions, and wish i could be there
to cheer him on.  c promises me he will take photos and yell extra loud for me.



the utah and san diego gerber families all wanted to be there, but
the cost was just too high, so the brothers went alone.  I don't know if the
boys have ever taken a trip together, so this is pretty special and well, it's
the kind of thing that creates memories and strengthens bonds. 
I encourage that and c would do the same for me in a heartbeat.

the big race is on sunday, and when trevor isn't training and familiarizing
himself with the course {yesterday he rode his bike 21 miles}, the brothers
are exploring the island, having fun and sending photos to us back at home.


here's one c sent tonight. {hiking through a bamboo forest is on MY bucket list}.
until then, i'm living vicariously through these brothers!

parenting...it's really really hard

"nobody understands me in this family,
you are all just mean".
- scout benjamin, age 9




these were just a few words spoken by our youngest
two weeks ago after one of his soccer games.  his words sounded more like
those from a tween or teenager, but they were from our  newly nine year old
who was extremely upset at a decision that was made when he was showing poor
sportsmanship. after many many discussions on this topic, and 2 warnings to get himself
together, i told scout he would not be allowed to play in his next soccer game. 



tears flowed and harsh remarks came.  he told us how unfair he was being treated,
how no one understands him and shifted blame to the child who tripped him on
the field and to the referee who didn't give the child a yellow card.  *sigh*
after we arrived home and scout took a relaxing bath, c reminded me that since
the call was made, we {I}needed to stick to our guns. c doesn't have any problems with this,
he's consistent and extremely self disciplined.  i do pretty well, especially with bed times
and other rules, but this was new and i think he could sense how bad i felt for scout.


it was a difficult decision, and whether it would work or not, i had no idea, but i stuck to
my guns.  over the next few days, he would sweetly ask, with those big blue puppy dog eyes
and long dark eyelashes of his, if he we really weren't going to let him play. i said yes.
midweek, he eventually stopped asking.
on the day of the game, he asked if he could dress in his uniform and
sit on the bench with this team because "that's what professionals players do".  we said
sure.  it was painful for him and for me watching him sit there, knowing how much he
wanted to be on the field, but it was a teaching moment.



a very thoughtful coworker of mine, who isn't a parent yet, heard my story in the lunchroom,
and shared a video that she came across. she said it made her think of my recent situation.
i absolutely loved  the video....so much that i shared with almost every  mom friend i have in
my contacts {some had already seen on facebook}. 

the mother is sharing things every parent knows intuitively, but may {or may not} struggle with. 
she zeros in on the one very important aspect of parenting - that it's HARD, really hard and there
will be lots of times our kids don't like us, and that's ok.  our job isn't to be liked. our job is to
raise human beings who will be productive members of society.
it's honest, raw, and funny and she says it all while eating from a carton of ice cream
{and making a wine milkshake}. 

tweenhood

grown-ups never understand anything by themselves,
and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever
explaining things to them".
- antoine de saint-exupery, the little prince, 1943

when finn was little, he would ask question after question.
it was adorable and exhausting as his questions seemed endless.
as he inches closer to his teen years, he no longer asks tons of questions.
with the exception of asking when dinner will be ready, if he can have a friend over,
what snacks he can eat, or if i washed his nasa tee-shirt, questions are rare.

it's funny how those little children who believe their parents were all-knowing just
a few years earlier, suddenly believe they know so much more than their parents. 
they don't think about how parents being on the planet for several decades gives them
more wisdom than someone who's been on the planet for just over one.
this is a typical 12 year old.  *sigh*

i know this is perfectly normal development in adolescence.
this is how children begin to separate themselves so they can one day go out into the
world. i remind myself of this when i hear a big sigh or see him rolling his eyes.
though i've read my favorite parenting book, wild things: the art of nurturing boys
from cover to cover and the specific chapters on my boys' particular ages twice,
it had been almost a year.  this past weekend i pulled it out of my nightstand drawer
to 'brush up' on tween boys.  i'm not that parent who believes i have all the answers
and can do it all on my own - no way! i believe parents are strongest and parent better
when we have a network of people to lean on and learn from.

i continually tap into all the resources i have available: my husband, my parents,
my in-laws, aunties, sisters, sister-in-laws, friends, teachers {past and present},
and i read as much as i can from the experts. with a teen and a tween just around the corner,
i can't be too prepared. 

i'll share a quote by one of the authors of the book, who is also a father of 3 boys.
he tells parents "fasten your seat belt. the changes that are coming in your boys'
life are gonna knock the wind out of you".

wow - that was powerful.  my seatbelt is fastened and i'm ready. {i think}


as finn creeps closer to his teen years, which is referred to as
'the wanderer' stage {ages 13-17} in my parenting book, scoutie is entering
'the individual' stage {ages 9-12}. i've got a little practice with this stage,
but i admit, and i was really enjoying his previous 'lover' stage.
fortunately, he's still got a bit of that left. *grin*

childhood....it's such a small portion of a person's life, but it brings every emotion
with it - pure bliss, exhaustion, happiness, sadness, anger, fear and frustration.
most of all, it brings a kind of love only a parent can experience.

~ and finn, if you are reading this, be patient with your dad and me.
i know it's tiresome to forever be explaining things to us. *wink*

mr mraz makes me happy

i had a sweet surprise this past summer right here in my backyard.
i learned jason mraz would be performing at café gratitude, a vegan
restaurant downtown that he co-owns.


he was sneaky and didn't advertise this little private concert, which
made it all the sweeter for me. my dates for the afternoon were finn
and scout {who were reluctant to join at first} as we arrived an hour
before he came on stage. i had warned them so they were prepared
with books. they read while i chatted with some girlfriends who are
almost as big of fans as i am.

while waiting, i made decided to purchase smoothies for from the cafe
and just as i was walking in, mr mraz was walking out with a take-out
container with his lunch. i very casually said "hi Jason", and he said hi.
scout was at my side and said was that really him mom? i think he was
a little starstruck.


i watched Jason to make sure he had a chance to eat his lunch and chat
with his buddies and then headed over to meet him as i saw others
eyeing him with the same idea.  when we walked up, he was so polite
and grinned when i told him i was one of his biggest fans. i explained
that i saw him years open for lisa loeb at a club in pacific beach, years ago.


he grinned and said "wow, you've been following me a long time and
thanked me. he introduced himself to scout, posed for a photo with us
and a few minutes later he was on the sidewalk outside his café singing
his heart out.  


it was a perfect summer day with mr. mraz!

life reimagined

one of the wonderful woman in my book group came to june's
meeting sharing that she was struggling with  'middle-age'. 


now this woman is newly 41....the youngest in the group, so we looked at her
with surprise and honestly, some of us chuckled a bit.

she said she was serious, then reminded us that because we were all likely
to live to be 80, we were all technically 'middle aged'. 
wow, i had never even given thought to that. 

one woman said she preferred to call the stage of life we are in the 'middle place'
and most agreed that was a better term.  i announced that i plan on living to 100,
so i haven't hit middle age OR the middle place yet. this won't happen until i'm 50
and i've got a few more years yet.  *grin*




next, she whipped out this book with a yellow festive jacket:

she explained she heard the author, barbara bradley hagerty, on npr discussing her book.
apparently, when bbh she was in her mid 50s, she began struggling with this particular phase
in her life. she felt like she was on a treadmill, grew a bit depressed and wondered why. she had friends who were not just surviving middle age, but actually 'thriving'.  many were older and seemed happier than they'd ever been. she wanted to know what their secret is...what all these people had in common. her book is the culmination of years of research of what she learned and how it helped her appreciate her life more and to look forward to the years ahead.

our friend was so excited about this book and was going to read it regardless if we chose it or not, so we all decided to read our first non-fiction book as a group. we all devoured it and when we met over dinner in july, we literally shut the restaurant down. we talked about this book and other things surrounding it for literally 4 hours! it was chock full of research {i means tons of it}, yet it was a very easy read. barbara shared very personal and intimate parts of her life, which made her vulnerable and relatable. i thoroughly enjoyed it this book and have recommended it to others who are currently reading it. 

i highly recommend to anyone approaching 40, and for everyone 40 and beyond.

if you simply don't have time to read, i'll share the highlights. these are the key factors for thriving in middle age and beyond:

1. find new passions - trying new things in life helps us stay engaged.  it could be music, a new language, a new sport, or a new organization/club. learning something new keeps our brains active. all the research shows that when we are engaged in something new, we are happier....even if we are completely frustrated or struggling with this difficult thing. humans are wired for learning and for challenges. we are happiest when we are lifelong learners.  

2.  find meaning in work/career rather than success - research shows that somewhere around middle age, we realize we are either at the top of the hill, or on our way down. humans everywhere begin to feel an urge to contribute to the world....to genuinely strive to find a meaningful way to give back. some make career changes mid-life or beyond. others are more subtle. they might start a non-profit, volunteer their time, knowledge or resources of any kind to causes they care about.

3. bring novelty into your marriage/relationship - for those who have been married for many years {like me}, this one is really interesting and important.  just like finding new passions for personal growth, in order to keep long-tem relationships thriving, research shows that couples must seek out something new together - hobbies, friendships, travel, etc. the author shared a fun story about how her husband dreamed of renting an rv and travelling to some of the US national parks in it. she was never interested but after seeing all the research surrounding this topic during the writing of this book, she she realized this could be a way to bring a little zest/novelty into their relationship of 15+ years. they went and it did exactly that.  they had one of the best vacations of their life and grew together as a couple. {oh how i loved her story. my other half wants to do this very thing}

 4. engage in life - every bit of evidence says to be engaged in life. it was a huge theme throughout the book. there's no question that we live longer, are healthier and happier when we are true participants in life. sitting in front of the tv, the computer or being alone isn't healthy. people are meant to be with people and to be engaged. what i found truly fascinating in this section of the book was that medical science shows that people who engage in life actually have the ability to change their genetic makeup to a point. not 100% completely - but to a point...and to a point that actually matters.  our minds are so connected to our bodies and SO powerful.  happy people can actually ward off all kinds of diseases. it's fascinating stuff.
 

so there you have it....the cliff notes from life reimagined. i was just thinking how this book would make a perfect gift for someone turning 40 or any age after. it wasn't depressing at all, it actually made me really excited about what's ahead.



the best year of my life

"i wish i could stay 8 forever. it's been the best year of my life".
- scout benjamin


as i sat on the edge of scout's bed the night before his birthday,
he looked up at me with genuine concern and said this. he explained
how great his 8th year had been.  he loved 3rd grade, has a best friend,
and was playing on a good competitive soccer team. 
he was worried that year 9 wouldn't quite be as good. 


he explained that his best friend was moving to spain, he was playing for
a new competitive soccer team, and he was getting a new teacher in 4th grade.


as an adult who's been in the world for 40 plus years, it would have been
so easy to respond "you'll be just fine scout", but i know these things make up
his entire world.  it's hard for him to have perspective when he only has a few
years to draw upon.


i took some time to tell him that i understood how scary it must be for him with
his very best friend moving, not having mrs. manguil around, the teacher he had
for the past 2 years, and starting a new soccer club.  i also took some time to tell
him this could be another fantastic year, maybe even better. we can never see the
future, but we can chose to be positive about what lies ahead.  i chose to be positive.


he gave me a big hug and said "i chose to be positive too".  with glossy eyes, i kissed
my little goodnight and wished him sweet dreams.


as i crawled into bed later that night, i shared our conversation with christopher,
and told him just how much i adore our almost nine year old. as a mother, i feel
like i can't possibly love my children anymore than i already do. then, there is a
conversation or interaction with them, and i totally do. 


a mother's heart seems to continue growing as her children grow.

billy elliot

a few months back, i saw rent with my theater loving girlfriend aleyda.
on the program, i saw billy elliot would be the next show and i was SO excited!
i had heard this  musical was phenomenal and with elton john having composed
the music, i knew i had to see it.


aleyda too wanted to see it, so tickets were purchased for us mom and our boys.
we made a day of it, meeting for a delicious lunch and then seeing the show
at the lyceum downtown.

the young boy that played billy elliot was 12 and had an amazing voice.
he's still refining his ballet and tap skills. my favorite song in the show is
electricity. it simply won't leave my head. {and that's not a bad thing}.


here's sir elton john performing electricity with professional dancers
in the background.  ahhh...i get goose bumps every time i watch this.

~ one of the MANY things on my bucket list is to see this show on stage in
london someday.

cinco de mayo 2016

be sure to tell christopher how much fun you had and everything

he missed out on tonight.

- chuck a

i just returned home from a cinco de mayo party that

was AMAZING, as always.  every year, dpr construction

hosts a huge party and it's the one event that anyone who
wants to see and be seen in san diego's AEC industry

architecture/engineering/construction) attends. 

everyone's there!

san diego has learned this general contractor knows how to party.

it was fully catered, with servers around every corner,

an open bar, a tequila tasting room, and excellent live music.

i literally could have stayed and closed it down but

i have to work tomorrow morning and more importantly,

drive home.

my darling c was home with the boys as scout had his bestie

spending the night. it's a thursday night but tomorrow is not a

school day.  the high tech community has a 'snow day'. 

ridiculous right?  why don't they just call it a 'beach day' or a

'may holiday'?

anyway, i made it home safely, got a quick update on how the

boys' evening was {finn cooked a spaghetti dinner for all}, and

they enjoyed an episode of star trek: the next generation.

as i promised chuck, i was sure to tell c that i was partying with his

tennis partner and wife for the last few hours. he smiled and said,

i'll beat him on the courts this weekend. *grin*

~ i ate a churro cupcake tonight - possibly one of the most

delectable cupcakes i've ever had!

tween talk

youth is a time of change.
between the ages of 12 and 17, a parent can age 30 years.
- unknown

i hope today's quote is a slight exaggeration.
actually, i hope it's a huge exaggeration.
i've heard horror stories about the teen years,
but I also know a few teens that are truly amazing!
my boys have been wonderful little kids...my hope is they will
be wonderful teens too.  

I am the mother of a tween, and it won't be too long
before i have a teen! i have been trying to prepare for what's around the corner.  i know some of the techniques and skills
c and I have already established are going to helpful, but i've been reading recommended books, asking lots of questions and having discussions with moms of older boys to learn as much as i can. {us parents can't wing it}

though i don't see physical changes in finn yet, there are plenty of changes happening on the inside. finn is starting to 'detach' a bit from us.  i know this is normal as he is learning to trust himself and others outside his family unit. it's a crucial step to becoming independent and preparing to enter the adult world.  this isn't the part I struggle with.  c and i have always encouraged alot of independence...even at early ages.  as parents who work full time, we could never helicopter....we had to learn to trust and rely on others early on with our children.  this helped with everything - leaving them with sitters, with friends for playdates, sleepovers, and even putting them on a cross-country flight to their grandparents home in florida 2 summers ago.    

the trickier part for me has been watching a boy who used to talk incessantly to being a little more quiet and contemplative and to see a boy who would basically do anything we asked of him, starting pushing back.  in short, finn is starting to become his own man and that transition is different and not always easy to understand.  i struggled with this recently and I wanted to be sure to record because my tween completely threw me for a loop! 

our family attended a poetry reading for the finn and his 6th grade friends recently. before the event started, i met a wonderful mother/woman who i thought would make a perfect addition to our 'school mom's  book group. this mother told me her daughter has talked a lot about finn and that they shared a table together in their english/humanities class. this was news to me as finn had never mentioned this girl. 

the program started and i never had the chance to swap contact information with this woman. the next evening, i asked finn if he would pass my contact information along to gabby, the daughter of this mother i met. i even told him why so he understood the importance. instead of his usual "sure mom", no problem", he said "you should have gotten it when we were at the event. i'm not doing that".  i was so confused.  I pressed again and he was adamant that he would not do it. i was tired  and became flustered.  I raised my voice at him, asking WHY he was being so difficult and couldn't do such an easy thing.

scout emphatically interjected, i would do it for you mom"! i thought of course...sweet 8 year old boys will do most anything for their moms. my favorite parenting book reminds me he is in the ‘lover’ stage {oh what a wonderful stage this is}. finn, however, is the ‘individual’ stage.

c must have heard some mom/tween angst and appeared at the boys' bedroom door and gently nodded for me to come to him.  in the kitchen, out of earshot, he asked what happened and i explained what i had asked of finn and what his response was. c seemed to be much more attune to a 12 year old boys needs.  he offered a few  possible explanations, one being that he had had an extremely long day at school, was tired, was working on homework and simply didn't want to another  thing or 'burden' imposed on him. 

the other explanation, and probably the correct one, was he's a TWEEN. i had asked finn not only to talk to a girl, but to give her a note from his mother.  *gasp* apparently, this can be very uncomfortable for a 12 year old boy....especially one that is shy around girls and has had little experience with them. middle school is different than grade school. kids are changing and peers and their opinions of each other are more important than ever. finn might have been too shy or even worried what it would look to his peers had they seen him passing a note to this girl. 

GEEZ!  neither of those had occurred to me. to a 40+ woman, the request is simple and easy, but to a 12 year old boy, it's HUGE.  though finn has made the transition to a tween and into middle school, i haven't made the mental transition.  it's so new for me and i recognize this now. 

i thanked c....for his subtle way of diffusing the situation, for sharing his knowledge of boys and his patience with me. oh how I love him and will be relying on his male brain to help me navigate this new chapter in my life. there will certainly be more posts on this journey. 


~ this is the 2nd week of the boys' spring break.  their father has taken them to a robotics competition in ventura {3 hours each way} because he loves them so, built a missile launcher with them for serious neighborhood battles, shuttled the boys back and forth to playdates and has hosted numerous ones at the house.  tomorrow, i'm going to give c a break so he can get some work done {there are bills to pay he reminds me}.   I have some fun activities planned....things we haven't done together in quite some time!  I hope to post some.

this is my hair

i wanted to dedicate a post to HAIR because if you are one of the few lucky
{or unlucky ones depending how you view it} that was born with LOTS of hair,
you understand how much hair impacts your life.

todd parr, a fun children's author/illustrator, wrote a book dedicated to HAIR that always
made me smile when i read to the boys. they were little then and didn't have much hair

to think about at the time, but now that they are older and their 'mature' hair has come in, 

they've started to notice their hair. well, finn just barely notices.

recently, the boys' hair had grown pretty long. our weekends were busy with activities

and we simply couldn't find a window to get them both in for haircuts. as finn's hair got
longer, it become limp and stuck to his head. scout's hair grew thicker and bigger, and 

the wave in his hair became more noticeable.  the kid has LOTS of hair.

finn takes after his father with the 'gerber' hair, and scout has the 'shappard' hair like mom.
men over the age of 30, would love this, but my 8 year old son does not.  he simply doesn't like

the heaviness and the wave of his thick hair and it was no consolation when i told him he will
never be bald or have a receding hairline when he's older. he seemed unimpressed that he will
have a full head of hair like his grandpa and uncles on the shappard side.  

though i don't have hair quite as thick or curly as my younger sister, i have ALOT of hair,
and can feel for young scout.  thick hair is a blessing and a curse and i'll share why.

it's a blessing because thick hair is voluminous and is associated with health and youth.

that's a good thing when one is 'middle aged' and those signs of aging start to creep up.
another benefit is most men (including my husband) seem to like lots of hair. it's feminine
and maybe it reminds them of the girlfriends of their youth...fresh faced and natural.
another benefit, thick hair also looks fantastic in braids and buns and it doesn't have to
be washed every day or even every other other day.  

here are the cons of thick hair: it takes longer for everything: to wash, dry, cut, highlight
and style. a visit to the salon takes me no less than 3 hours, and that's by a professional who 

has 15+ years of experience and can do foils and cut hair in her sleep. i could sit in a
beginner's stylist's chair for well over 4 hours. i have and it's no fun.   

having thick hair is more difficult to handle in general. if you go to bed with it damp,
it's still damp 8 hours later when you wake. if it's curly and you don't tame {smooth it}
before you go to bed, you can literally scare your family when you awake.
last, thick hair requires lots more product - conditioners, serums, etc. add up.
in summary thick hair = more time and money  

HAIR - love it or hate it, we are stuck with what we inherited.
we can alter it with chemicals  and cut it in new ways, but in the end, our natural hair
always comes through. someday i vow to stop paying an arm and a leg to highlight my hair,
but i'm not quite there yet.

at this moment, i just need to figure out a hair cut/style to help scout manage his mane.

happy margarita day

 

i didn't know there was such a day!

the margarita may be my favorite drink.
it's the perfect blend of sweet and sour and well this photo
reminded me of drinking one in mexico from one of their
traditional thick glasses. and yes, always con sal {salt}

 

the power of positive

i came across this on the internet somewhere and i loved it so much

i printed it and have a copy posted to my tack board at the office.

 

language is powerful and i truly believe our words shape how we look

at ourselves and the world, and that when we have positive thoughts in

our minds, we speak them more often and we view the world as a beautiful
place to live.      

 

because words have this kind of power, i am always looking at ways

to help me speak in a more positive way, to my kids {and my hubby}.
this list is so wonderful, I thought i'd share with you too.