luckily, i've learned how to avoid it. i chose friends who don't like it and we stick together.
we're only in middle school, there should be no drama.
- finn oliver gerber, age 13
i was home from work today suffering from allergies, so c got a break from his daily routine and and i picked up the boys from school this afternoon. when i asked about their day, these are the words that came from my firstborn. he's mentioned middle school drama a few times over the years, girl's fighting over boys, girl's being mean to each other, etc, but he never mentioned how he's been able to stay out of it until today. i like his strategy.
finn is now an 8th grader. this is his last year of middle school and the crazy thing is i was just sharing with my girlfriends that i am finally getting used to being a middle school mom. towards the middle of last year, things started to fall into place, and i grew more confident in parenting him. now he's an 8th grader and high school is just around the corner. i'll be back in unchartered territory once again. being a parent is like that....just when we think we got it down, something inevitably changes.
fortunately, what i've learned won't be a complete waste since scout is just behind finn. all those things i've learned will be helpful, and tonight, i wanted to take a minute to record some of them here....to remind me i CAN survive middle school years, and to remind other parents who are in the midst of it or will be there soon, that they can too.
here are 5 things i've learned over the last 2 years {i could list 20}:
1. stay close to your kids
middle schoolers start to distance themselves from their parents and though this is an important step to becoming a functioning adult, they still need us. don't let their size or attitude make you think otherwise. stay close to them with daily conversations. ask open ended questions that encourage them to give more than a yes or no answer. c does this on his drive home with the boys every day from school. they are a captive audience and aren't allowed to put their heads into electronic devices. he makes good use of their time together to connect and talk about their day. i did this as well during the boys' preschool days. we'd have the best conversations and it was truly my FAVORITE part of my day. i likely get a less enthusiastic discussion when i get home from work because the boys have already shared about their day with c, but they do their best to give me a few minutes. i reconnect with them again at bedtime when i read to scout, and when i give finn a massage {he's into head massages these days}. just like with little kids, most middle school kids turn into jelly at bedtime. their defenses come down and they often will share something personal. we still do our once a month mom and son night too. with finn, it usually resolves around food {sushi}. scout prefers to do something physical. parents of middle schoolers, remember, don't let hormones scare you away from your kids. they need us and our influence more than ever during these critical years.
2. give them more responsibility
c and i grew up in homes with parents who believed in the value of work. we were given age appropriate chores all throughout childhood. at age 12, my brothers were mowing lawns, c had his own paper route and i was babysitting for a neighbor family every weekend. c and i want finn and scout to learn the value of work too and agreed early on not to give the boys a weekly allowance for chores.being a part of our family means they have to work and do their share. if they want to earn money, they have an opportunity to go above and beyond their usual chores list and work for it.
once a kid enters middle school, they are {typically} more mature and are physically bigger which means they can literally and figuratively carry more weight at home. finn has taken on more chores over the last two years which include rolling the very large trash and recycle bins to the curb once a week, watering plants, removing the pool cover, and helping with landscape. all these are in addition to his regular indoor household chores. his help has taken a bit off c's shoulders which i know he welcomes, and scout is starting to take on more too. as parents, it's important to let our kids know just how much their help is appreciated. they get a sense of accomplishment when they contribute in a positive way. we're learning when we expect more from the boys, they step up.
3. have rules and enforce them
kids of all ages love rules, and they do better when rules are clear and there is consistency surrounding them. c and i learned this early on when our kiddos were babies and toddlers. i admit, daycares and nannies helped with the routine. they had it down and we followed the routine on weekends and when we were home and it worked like magic. naptime and bedtime were non-negotiable, to this day, the boys have set bedtimes and stick to it. even our middle schooler. because finn has been so responsible, we allow a little bending of the rules when he has sleepovers.
when it comes to social media or recreational computer use, finn knows that as parents, we have the ability and the right to monitor his phone and computer at ANY time. he is perfectly ok with this because the conversation started when finn first had access to a computer. it's been ongoing and was restated before he got his phone last year. the boys have no problem with this because expectations have already been set. as every parent and parenting book says, talk early and talk often.
just last weekend, the family sat down to discuss use of electronic devices. like so many other parents, we felt the boys were having too much screen time. c and i love computers as much as anyone - they help us work, organize our home photos and movies, stay in touch with loved ones, and plan trips, BUT, we don't believe they should take the place of active outdoor play and real connections {face to face time}. i told c i didn't want to get angry and start nagging the boys, so he suggested a simple family meeting. we all sat down at the kitchen table over the weekend. c and i discussed our concerns and we all come up with a solution that was fair and works for all. it took some negotiating and discussion, but everyone is on board, and until these new rules become habit, they are hanging in our kitchen and in the boys' bedroom to help us all remember.
4. they need to be reminded to take showers
when our boys were younger, they LOVED taking baths. they'd spend an hour or more in the tub. scout on occasion will still do this {mostly after tough soccer games}. these days, bathing of any kind, is a chore for finn....one more thing to cross off his list. some days i'm sure he would love to skip a shower, but puberty means hormones are in full swing and stinky armpits come with that. i want the my kids showering EVERY day. the only exception is if the boys swim late, they are in the ocean late in the day or we are camping. i don't sleep in their tent, and part of camping is smelling like sweat and campfire after all right. *grin* scout complains he shouldn't have to take a shower daily because isn't in puberty, but it's not too far off and good practice. more importantly, he plays soccer every day, and he gets sweaty and dirty.
5. middle schoolers like affection on their terms
as our children become tweens and teens and separate from us to find their own identities, they often become less affectionate. that doesn't mean they don't love us or want or need our hugs. they still do, just not as much as they did when they were toddlers/preschoolers. also, they want it on THEIR terms. for a mom like me who is outwardly affectionate, it's was a little difficult to be shrugged off when i put my arm around my 13 year old son. c reminded me it was in public which made it a little easier, but when i only got a half hug on mother's day instead of a full embrance, i was almost in tears. wait, come to think of it, i was actually DID cry tears, but not until after my teenager left the room.
other days, like today, finn kissed me 3x on the lips! the first kiss was just after he said 'thank you' for buying me an icee at the 7-11 {we were in my car}, the second came as he walked into the kitchen to find dinner ready, and the third came just before bed tonight. impressive yes? it seems this middle schooler still loves to love, but it has to be on his terms most of the time. like most his age, finn doesn't like affection in public or in front of his friends. a quick hug is ok, but anything beyond that and he gets frustrated. if you have a middle schooler that refuses affection from you, don't take it personally parents. it's a phase and someday after college - in their mid to late 20s, i keep reading and hearing most kids will be comfortable enough in their skin to show some affection publicly. we just need to hang in there.
6. let our kids mess up
a lot of parents struggle with this one and i admit, i've struggled with this one a little. fortunately, i have a spouse who doesn't struggle with this one at all {maybe it's a dad thing?}, and he reminds me and sets an example of how to do this. when scout was younger, i'd let scout beat me in a foot race and in board games, but c would have no problem letting him lose. now when they play ping pong, c doesn't hold back at all and scout's a better player because of it.
so parents, this one is really, really hard, but when our middle schooler makes a mistake, we HAVE to let him fail. this is pre-season for high school, and if we want our high schooler to be game-day ready (self-sufficient), he has to learn from screwing up a few times. that means if they forget their homework - instrument, sneakers, lunch, whatever - on the kitchen table, leave it there. if he blows a test, don't call the teacher. if his friend is mean, don't call his mom. if a project is due tomorrow, let them him sweat it out. our job is to let them solve their own problems because this is how they grow. {exception: if a child is being bullied, of course you need to step in}, but the point is, we have to let our kids mess up. so that's 6 things instead of 5, but i couldn't leave the last one out - it might be the most important.
i have a personal example i'll share here of how i let the boys fail this past year {it was hard, but worth it}. the boys had piano lessons coming up and neither had practiced all week. i reminded them to practice once a few days prior to it, but forced myself not to remind them again. the boys know they have lessons every friday afternoon, and they know they need to practice in order to be prepared. the boys blew off practicing and showed up to their lessons completely unprepared. their teacher, mr. patrick, was disappointed and said as much. they were embarrassed and from that day on, they practice on their own, NOT because i nag them or tell them i am throwing money away. they practice because they experienced what it felt like to be unprepared and FAIL. they don't want that day repeated.
so that's a little peek into the life of this middle school mom and what i've learned....so far.
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| middle school friends {finn oliver: age 13, 8th grade} |
