tween talk

youth is a time of change.
between the ages of 12 and 17, a parent can age 30 years.
- unknown

i hope today's quote is a slight exaggeration.
actually, i hope it's a huge exaggeration.
i've heard horror stories about the teen years,
but I also know a few teens that are truly amazing!
my boys have been wonderful little kids...my hope is they will
be wonderful teens too.  

I am the mother of a tween, and it won't be too long
before i have a teen! i have been trying to prepare for what's around the corner.  i know some of the techniques and skills
c and I have already established are going to helpful, but i've been reading recommended books, asking lots of questions and having discussions with moms of older boys to learn as much as i can. {us parents can't wing it}

though i don't see physical changes in finn yet, there are plenty of changes happening on the inside. finn is starting to 'detach' a bit from us.  i know this is normal as he is learning to trust himself and others outside his family unit. it's a crucial step to becoming independent and preparing to enter the adult world.  this isn't the part I struggle with.  c and i have always encouraged alot of independence...even at early ages.  as parents who work full time, we could never helicopter....we had to learn to trust and rely on others early on with our children.  this helped with everything - leaving them with sitters, with friends for playdates, sleepovers, and even putting them on a cross-country flight to their grandparents home in florida 2 summers ago.    

the trickier part for me has been watching a boy who used to talk incessantly to being a little more quiet and contemplative and to see a boy who would basically do anything we asked of him, starting pushing back.  in short, finn is starting to become his own man and that transition is different and not always easy to understand.  i struggled with this recently and I wanted to be sure to record because my tween completely threw me for a loop! 

our family attended a poetry reading for the finn and his 6th grade friends recently. before the event started, i met a wonderful mother/woman who i thought would make a perfect addition to our 'school mom's  book group. this mother told me her daughter has talked a lot about finn and that they shared a table together in their english/humanities class. this was news to me as finn had never mentioned this girl. 

the program started and i never had the chance to swap contact information with this woman. the next evening, i asked finn if he would pass my contact information along to gabby, the daughter of this mother i met. i even told him why so he understood the importance. instead of his usual "sure mom", no problem", he said "you should have gotten it when we were at the event. i'm not doing that".  i was so confused.  I pressed again and he was adamant that he would not do it. i was tired  and became flustered.  I raised my voice at him, asking WHY he was being so difficult and couldn't do such an easy thing.

scout emphatically interjected, i would do it for you mom"! i thought of course...sweet 8 year old boys will do most anything for their moms. my favorite parenting book reminds me he is in the ‘lover’ stage {oh what a wonderful stage this is}. finn, however, is the ‘individual’ stage.

c must have heard some mom/tween angst and appeared at the boys' bedroom door and gently nodded for me to come to him.  in the kitchen, out of earshot, he asked what happened and i explained what i had asked of finn and what his response was. c seemed to be much more attune to a 12 year old boys needs.  he offered a few  possible explanations, one being that he had had an extremely long day at school, was tired, was working on homework and simply didn't want to another  thing or 'burden' imposed on him. 

the other explanation, and probably the correct one, was he's a TWEEN. i had asked finn not only to talk to a girl, but to give her a note from his mother.  *gasp* apparently, this can be very uncomfortable for a 12 year old boy....especially one that is shy around girls and has had little experience with them. middle school is different than grade school. kids are changing and peers and their opinions of each other are more important than ever. finn might have been too shy or even worried what it would look to his peers had they seen him passing a note to this girl. 

GEEZ!  neither of those had occurred to me. to a 40+ woman, the request is simple and easy, but to a 12 year old boy, it's HUGE.  though finn has made the transition to a tween and into middle school, i haven't made the mental transition.  it's so new for me and i recognize this now. 

i thanked c....for his subtle way of diffusing the situation, for sharing his knowledge of boys and his patience with me. oh how I love him and will be relying on his male brain to help me navigate this new chapter in my life. there will certainly be more posts on this journey. 


~ this is the 2nd week of the boys' spring break.  their father has taken them to a robotics competition in ventura {3 hours each way} because he loves them so, built a missile launcher with them for serious neighborhood battles, shuttled the boys back and forth to playdates and has hosted numerous ones at the house.  tomorrow, i'm going to give c a break so he can get some work done {there are bills to pay he reminds me}.   I have some fun activities planned....things we haven't done together in quite some time!  I hope to post some.