utah bound

no matter what happens, travel gives you a story to tell.
-jewish proverb

i will be off-line for a few days as i'm off to brianhead, utah tomorrow with the boys for our annual gerber gathering in the snow. i've decided not to take my laptop for a true break from technology. i even considered leaving my cell, but didn't think it's wise since we're driving 6+ hours. we'll have c's cell, but a backup phone just makes sense. the boys are picking me up at the office tomorrow and we are leaving from there.

i am really excited. i missed last year's trip as i opted to stay home with 6 month old scout, so it's been 2 years since i've seen the white stuff. i'm looking forward to watching scout's first experience with snow, spending days snowboarding, trying to ski with finn (he'll be better than me i'm sure), and just hanging out with the family. i anticipate lots of games over the next 4 days and stories - there are *always* stories.
maybe i'll share a good one in my next post. i must run for now and getting packing so i'm not up all night.

have a wonderful rest of the week/weekend!!

cleanliness

boys are god's way of telling you your house is too clean
- unknown

this quote is perfect for tonight's post.
five years ago, my house was always tidy and for the most part, clean.
i wasn't obsessive about it, but there was never a ring around the tub, food stuck on the floor,
fingerprints all over windows, dustballs under beds, and things strewn all over the floor.

c and i are generally tidy, so our home was then too.
since having kids and especially since #2, this is no longer the norm.
no matter how much i try to stay on top of cleaning, i can't.

when i went back to work after scout was born, i tried - i really did.
then after a month or two of stressing myself out and acting like hitler
and driving my family crazy trying to keep it up, i decided it wasn't worth it.
kids are kids - and by nature, messy.

this doesn't mean i've given up altogether. i (we) try to tidy up a bit every evening.
finn picks up his toys, puts his shoes in the basket by the door, dishes in dishwasher,
i wipe down counters, organize a little, but anything more involved that, well it waits
until the weekend.  i'll admit that even then, i don't get to it EVERY weekend.
it's more like every other weekend.


i think back to my childhood and the home i grew up in. with 7 children,
our home was was never spotless but it was good enough and comfortable.
my mother didn't believe in homes being museums. mom was always saying
"homes should look lived in." she wanted to be able to put her feet on the couch
(minus shoes) and she wanted guests to feel at home and do the same.

i remember many visitors lingering and saying "i could just stay here all day dottie."
she'd smile and welcome them back anytime. mom had a way of making everyone
comfortable - even though her home wasn't spotless.  thinking of mom and our childhood
homes reminds me that home isn't about being beautiful or clean...
home is about the people and good feelings inside.

 



finn's bedroom (before bedtime)

the power of positive

for myself i am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else.
- winston churchill


times have been tough for so many but today was a wonderful day as there was news my b-i-l was offered a project manager job here in san diego at the company, ies. this will mean a big move and change for he and his family, but they are being supportive and he is excited about this new challenge. he is deserving and i'm just so happy for him and his family. the boys and i look forward to having family closer. i see lots of tennis playing up ahead...

**********

on the subject of work, it's been steady and since the marketing staff has been cut, i am busier than ever now. my coworker tina and i work really well together so that makes stressful deadlines a little easier. we help each other out and cover each other's market sector work (i'm on the healthcare side and she's on science/technology) when one of us is out. as a way to thank each other, we sometimes bring each other starbucks, little thank you notes and chocolate. it's little things like this that just makes my days away from my little guys, nice.

when i work 40 hours a week with my 'other family', it makes all the difference to have cooperative, supportive and positive people by my side. tina is one of these people. i mean who else could i get to wear one of these hideous wigs??!!
 

the afro twins, tina and angela, oct. 2009



bedtime bliss

there was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep.
- ralph waldo emerson

wake time is wonderful with my children, but when bedtime hits (7:30pm for scout, 8pm for finn),
and my house is quiet, it too is wonderful. sometimes c and i will get on our laptops side by side at the kitchen table to check email or to finish up a work project. some nights we both read or watch a movie together. the important thing is the night belongs to us.

i learned early on the importance of routine and that it's not a crazy obsessive mom thing like i thought
pre-kids. it's true - kids really do thrive on routine. sure there are times when your travelling or they are sick and the routine goes out the window but once you have one in place, life is easier. after a first year of rough nights with finn, we learned the importance of a bedtime routine and did things differently with scout.

for more than a year now, scout nearly jumps into his crib every night. it doesn't matter who's watching him, as long as they stick to 'the routine' and his blanket and binkie are in hand, they have it made. he's easy and the night is theirs. here's a clip of a scout's routine (minus the bedtime story)



 

************
i'm reading a book called the middle place by kelly corrigan. it is my book/wine club's selection of the month. i am really enjoying it. it's a rollercoaster of a book. i'll laugh on one page and be in tears the next.
take two minutes to listen to this clip at the bottom of the page. the voice is the author, kelly, reading the introduction to her book.

let me warn you, it might make you want to run out and purchase it. she just has a way with words and storytelling. i'd offer my copy when i'm done, but i've promised it to my mom.

it's a mom thing

we all have friends who serve different purposes to us.
connie is one of my girlfriends who makes me laugh.
she's just a really fun and outgoing person. 
it doesn't matter how long it's been, when we talk or get together, we laugh.

we met in tucson back in the mid 1990s and i miss her so much!
when scout was born she sent this book that was so her - and it made me laugh.
it arrived at the perfect time - when i needed it most.
i came across the book recently and read it all over again.
i thought i'd share a few funnies:

can someone please send me to time-out?
a half hour, hour and a half?
i promise to sit quietly.

i still try to buy cute underwear.
but not too cute, because what do you think got me into this mess?

nothing hurts like watching your babies grow.
wait! decaf. that hurts too.

finn is five

there was a star that danced, and under it i was born.
- unknown

our finn oliver is five years old and if a star danced on the night he was born,
my heart danced right along beside it.

i love both my boys equally, but there is something special about the firstborn.
i read once that parents tend to remember firstborns more clearly than the children
that follow because first experiences tend to be more vidid. 
There aren't distractions of younger children and we have more time
to just sit back and relish every little moment and milestone.

i remember those times - when it was just finn and i.
they were so special. my time with him still is,
but together time alone is harder to come by these days.

though finn's actual birthday was 1/27,
we celebrated a few weeks late this year.
we kept with tradition and had a backyard party to a theme of his choosing.
this year's request was for an 'obstacle course birthday' which worked out well
since the weather was cooler than previous years.
the kids stayed warm by running around.

christopher designed and set up a course and we had about 15 kids join the fun.
finn had a wonderful time and was so excited he had a hard time winding down for bed that night.
a BIG thanks to auntie jen, christi and justin for all their help.
we couldn't have pulled off the party without them.

when i look back on this time in finn's life, i will remember:

- a little boy who is as blonde as they come
- a little boy who is sweet, silly, cautious, curious about the world and how things work
- a little boy who is a a rule-follower
- a little boy who is caring
- a little boy who is articulate and outgoing
- a little boy who is a wonderful brother

happy birthday sweet finn.

i look forward to watching you grow. just promise me you won't grow too fast...





#5 cake - baked by mommy, decorated by dad and christi

 




silly finn and auntie jen

 

christi, finn and justin





finn at the finish line



Xs and Os

where there is love there is life.

- gandhi

sending hugs and kisses your way!

dreams

without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. – Gloria Steinem so many things that have happened recently that brought me to write about dreams.

i found out that my sister-in-law is going to have a girl yesterday. being a mom was one of her dreams and she's so close now. her little one is due in july. if her next few months were anything like my pregnancy days, she will be dreaming of what this little person will look like, what her personality will be like, and of all the things they will do together.

i have a very cool nephew marc living away from home attending college in in orlando, fl. he recently celebrated his 19th birthday and in an email, he shared one of his dreams with me - he wants to travel. it's something he really wants to experience in his lifetime. i told him i share a similar dream, as i dream (almost weekly) of travelling abroad, and even living abroad someday after i retire.

if you ask finn what he dreams of, he'll give an emphatic 'to be an engineer'. he's not sure exactly what kind he wants to be, but it will have something to do with airplanes, rockets, cars or helicopters. during a car ride the other day, he thought i was trying to deter him from his dream. our conversation went something like this:

me: finn, look at the cyclist up ahead finn: mommy, i don't want to be a cyclist when i grow up, i want to be an engineer me: i was just showing you the cyclist because it looks like fun. he's just biking for fun and exercise. some people's job is to bike, but i wasn't suggesting that it be your job when you grow up. finn: ok, because i really want to be an engineer mommy

one of the nicest couples i know are in the middle of making wedding plans. after about 10 years of dating, they have decided to tie the knot. i'm thrilled for them and am imagining they are dreaming of what being a married couple will feel like.

i think we are all dreamers to some extent and that they are a necessary part of life.

on commitment

stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.
- tom robbins

christopher and i snuck off to tower 23 last night on a date.
auntie jen was kind enough to come over and watch the boys so we could get some couple time in.
although the evening didn't start out that great, we were able to move past some frustrations and enjoy a quiet dinner without distractions. we talked about our boys a little, our concerns about the economy, our jobs, our upcoming utah trip with the gerber clan, and then the conversation turned to us - our relationship.

the restaurant was packed with young couples,
but there was one table with two older couples enjoying a meal together.
they all looked happy. i asked c if he thought we'd be one of those couples 20-30 years from now.
without hesitation, he looked at me and said absolutely.

i wondered how he could be so sure .
we are both headstrong, stubborn and neither of us gives in to each other easily so there are lots of passionate debates in our home. sometimes i think, we'll be lucky if we make it another year.
but somehow, we get past our issue and find middle ground.
we'll agree to disagree or bend a little to keep from breaking.

i want to believe we will be like the silver haired couple we saw,
holding hands under the table, and still madly in love after all those years.
i want us to be among those rare couples who makes it to their golden anniversary.

despite all our heated debates, there's one thing we can agree on - us.
we are committed to each other and our marriage.
even if we fight like cats and dogs sometimes.

gray - oh goodness!!

i found a GRAY hair last week!
i wasn't sure at first. i sat in front of the mirror inspecting it thinking,
maybe it's just a highlight that's all the way to my root.
i pulled it out and it was definitely white - not blonde. GEEZ!!

i haven't been losing sleep because of this discovery,
but it did catch me by surprise.
i didn't think i was that old yet. i certainly don't feel old *wink*
i must ask my mom when she started to get gray hair.

****************************

finn and i stayed up past his bedtime last night baking valentine sugar cookies.
finn's favorite part is using the rolling pin. we made a huge mess - flour and sprinkles
were everywhere but we had fun and *most* turned out pretty good.

the twins are home

babies are always more trouble than you thought - and more wonderful.
- charles osgood

the boys and i visted the eichorn twins - kai and katherine this weekend.
they are both home now after arriving a bit early and having to be in the nicu for the last two months.
kai came home a few weeks earlier than katherine but now they are all together and one big happy family.
it was such a beautiful thing to see.

i was flooded with so many emotions while i was there - happiness for the new parents and feeling a tinge of sadness that those newborn days are over for me. being with the sweet babies brought back so many memories of my first few weeks home with both my boys - especially my first.

sore from surgery, exhausted from lack of sleep and constant feedings, i was in heaven. i never experienced any post-partum depression with either of the boys, so i was lucky that way and my memories of those early days are of pure exhileration and happiness. with finn, i remember being so excited, i would barely sleep. i just wanted to hold him and watch him - i was in awe of this perfect little person. within a few weeks, the lack of sleep caught up with me, and i learned the importance of sleeping when baby sleeps.

i don't think it matters how much a person prepares for being a parent because no matter how much planning we do, we are never fully prepared for the change a baby brings. they literally turn our world on end. despite this, i don't know a single parent who would have it any other way.

kisses to the eichorn twins tonight and wishing a little sleep to their parents, kristi and rich.



kai and katherine eichorn





finn says hello to katherine



love my lists

i'm a list girl and have always been one.
as far as i can remember back i've kept lists.
in elementary school, my lists were simple.
they included things like why i didn't like my brother(s)
and who the cutest boys in the school were.

as a teenager, i had a big wipe off board in my room that i used
to keep a list of all the important things: slumber parties, football games,
church dances, my babysitting schedule, when car insurance was due, etc.

without my lists, i'd probably be lost - or at least feel like i am.
i feel like they keep me in track and i love the satisfaction of crossing items off my lists.
those who aren't list people think i'm nuts.

a friend once said, i make lists and prioritize all day at work,
why would i want to do that on the weekends?
they have a point, but for me, i need 'em.

today's list:

- drop off at goodwill
- post office
- valentine's cards for finn's class
- laundry
- research cameras
- visit eichorn twins
- grocery shop
- clean bathrooms

on dads

any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad
- unknown

i had several things i was going to blog about tonight, but when i asked finn about his day and his eyes got big
and he started stumbling over his words to tell me ALL about his trip to the science museum with christopher and scoutie, i felt compelled to write about dads. one of the highlights of their day was the strobe light camera that captured their shadows on a screen. finn told me how he and scout made crazy movements and how christopher jumped high in the air and the camera captured his shadow. he said it was "so cool" - his new favorite word. they also saw a movie at the museum on outer space, had their photos taken in a photo booth and ate lunch at an outdoor cafe in balboa park.

i sat there listening and thought wow, i'm so lucky to have a him as my boys' dad. (and admit i was a lil jealous i wasn't able to be with them for all the fun). i know there are other great dads out there, as my dad is one of them, BUT i don't see those other dads everyday. i see christopher everyday with our boys and am grateful that he fully participates in raising them. he wants them around and they want to be around him. he willingly (but not easily), takes off every friday from work to stay home with them. i know he enjoys it as much as they do.

that's just one of a hundred things he does that makes him an amazing dad.

sisters

how do people make it through life without a sister?
- sara corpening

 i talked with my sis jen tonight and she told me she had a really bad day, actually she's had a bad week.
i tried to listen to her instead of speaking (one of the things i'm working on) so she could just vent her frustrations.

i tend to fall back on the 'big sis' role and try to find solutions to her problems so i can help,
but i know that's not what she wanted or needed. she needed someone to talk to and to share with.
i hope i was an 'ok' listener. i'm going to continue working being a better one.
i was thinking about how lucky i am to have her in my life and in my boys' life.
there aren't any other family members on my side here in san diego - she's all i have and i want us to be close and to be there for each other. she's been good to me in so many ways: she was my roommate at the hospital after scoutie was born, my running and race partner, my shopping and movie buddy, my babysitter, our family photographer, a great auntie and well the list could go on and on. basically, she's just been a good sister and friend to me. i love her and all my sisters.

i can' t imagine not having them in my life.

playing

we don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.

- benjamin franklin

playing with my little guys reminds me that life shouldn't be taken too serious all the time. that i need to laugh more and to just be in the moment. it feels so good, and though it doesn't stop the hands of time, it certainly makes me feel younger and there's alot to be said for that.

the evenings have been super nice lately, so the boys and i try to come up with fun things to do after i get home from work. this particular evening we all went to the beach at the end of our street. we had races in the sand, buried our feet, gave each other rides in the big dump truck and finn even played photographer.



scout (18 months), pix courtesy of finn gerber

  

a tough day

mondays are usually tough, but today was unusually tough.
my company laid off a few employees due to a few large projects recently going on hold.
things had been ok, but we were all aware circumstances could change quickly, and they did.
today came as a huge shock to some. i was relieved i was in the group that stayed, but i am also a realist. these are tough times and companies will do what they have to do so they can get through these difficult times.

the crazy thing is just last week, i thought what if i were to lose my job and i got a pen out and did the math to see if we could survive. fortunately, we could BUT life would be different and things would be *really* tight. one upside, i'd finally be able to see what being a full-time stay-at-home mom feels like and i'd see more of my sweet boys. i decided it was best to prepare so i worked on my budget and decided to be debt-free by July 1st (with the exception of our mortgage and one car payment).

there is alot to be said for our parent's generation who didn't use credit cards and only bought things they could afford. i admire that and have said i want to get back to that. it's a shame it took this to scare me, but better late than never. so that's my goal and i have a plan - monthly goals to reach my BIG goal. i am crossing my fingers that i will have a job at least that long...

if things could get worse, they did. i took the boys to the beach to play and watch the sunset after my crazy day at work. on our walk back, finn stubbed his toe - in a bad way. he doesn't do well with pain and especially with blood. he refused to let me look at it until we got home. he was hysterial the whole way home which caused scoutie to start screaming. somehow i remained calm (a true challenge for me) and only after lots of hugs and reassurance he calmed down. it wasn't pretty but eventually i was able to clean it and get a band-aid on it. i missed bootcamp because of everything and really could have used it tonight. i'm hoping for a better rest of the week.